A Three Hour Tour

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...[The] passengers set sail that day, 
For a three hour tour, a THREE HOUR TOUR!"

This last August I went to our family reunion in Aptos, California. That’s a little town just below Santa Cruz and Capitola and north of Monterey where, back in the day, my grandparents bought a beach cabin. Being raised in San Jose, CA, my siblings and I grew up going to the beach cabin pretty frequently. This was our second official family reunion since we’ve all grown up and had families of our own.

This time we decided that one of the activities would be a whale watching boat ride in Monterey Bay. I can’t remember whose idea it was originally but I am responsible for organizing the whole thing. Guilty as charged. So when I talked to the skipper on the phone, she told me that people often get sea sick and so we may want to come prepared with the appropriate anti-seasickness meds. I informed everyone of this possibility and also purchased the meds myself (pharmacist recommended), which turned out to be plenty for everyone who wanted to take them.

When the day for the boat ride came, we all drove down to Monterey, parked, and walked along Fisherman's Wharf to get to the dock where all the boats were. Such a cool pier lined with restaurants that serve hot clam chowder and fresh baked bread as well as a bunch of other tourist shops. So far this was looking like a great idea!

We paid for our 3 hour tour and then boarded the boat. All of us taking the meds, took them then. After much instructions, which included how and where to throw up, we were off. The first 30 minutes were fine. We were all out on the deck looking at the seals on the rocks and the shoreline getting further and further away. I was on the front deck with a lot of others from our group. We started getting splashed a little too much when the wind picked up. The waves became more choppy, which caused the boat to rock and roll a little too intensely. Everyone standing in the bow of the boat was instructed to go inside the cabin to reduce this effect. So we did. But most of us weren’t sitting there for longer than 2 minutes before we couldn’t handle it anymore. Nausea hit. We all headed out to the back deck, holding on to whatever we could because the boat was still rocking so much.

I stayed on the back deck for the rest of the ride. About 50% of our group got sick. Matthew and Laura (my son and daughter) threw up over the side of the boat. Matthew repeatedly. Chris (my other son) was fine. I was sick but I didn’t throw up, probably because of the meds. I think the meds were actually making me feel worse. I was cold too. We had stopped by Walmart on our way to Monterey and bought a few heavy sweatshirts because they said it would get pretty cold out on the water. I was standing in one spot on the deck near the side of the boat in a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood up. I was shaking pretty bad and trying to deal with the constant upchucking feeling. There was nothing I could do to make this trial go away. A few others were suffering but I couldn’t help them anymore than they could help me. There were two more hours left on the boat. I had no one to blame. I’m the one who planned the whole thing. I was in fact responsible but the cause was inexperience. I didn’t know how bad it would be. I didn’t even know if any of us would get sick. I was fine on Lake Powell boats but apparently not fine on this boat.

What was going on on the inside.

I had no desire or inclination to blame it on anyone. Yet I couldn’t just exist in that terrible state without starting on some kind of conflict resolution process. My brother Will and all his kids were fine. He was walking all around the boat, changing places often. He suggested I try this as a resolution process. But moving just made it worse for me. So I just stood there shivering. But internally, spiritually I was actively reaching up to God in prayer. I told him I could do nothing to make my situation any better. I had two hours to endure and I was unable to do that on my own.  I asked him to help me. I just focused my mind on him and stayed with him. I could feel him with me, comforting me. Tears were streaming down my face, not because of the pain, but because it was so apparent I wasn’t bearing this burden alone. I didn’t want anyone else to feel sorry for me so I tried to keep my face relatively hidden. I knew that the only sympathy that would make any real difference for me would be the Lord’s. Chris came over and put his arms around me for a bit. That was soooo sweet of him. I don’t know if it’s just me or if everyone is like this, but I needed my main line of support to come from inside me—from that place where I always feel the Lord’s presence. So even as my body was racked with so much turmoil, it was like I was somehow separated from it to a certain extent, standing outside of it, removed from it. Wave after wave of nausea was matched with wave after wave of this unbelievable love. A microcosm of peace and comfort in a macrocosm of stress and panic.

What was going on on the outside.

It makes me love my Savior incredibly intensely when he saves me like that. I don’t often get myself into situations where there is nothing I can do to save myself but pray and reach for His atoning sacrifice in faith. At least I don’t often look at my conflicts like that. It was pretty much all grace and very little works. I usually am more than willing to do whatever I can when there are conflicts to be resolved. Perhaps I’m even imbalanced to that side—trying to do too much, putting all my efforts into figuring out how to actually get off the boat and out of the tough situation when faith in Christ while I have to endure the situation for a time is the answer.

We did see whales and other sea creatures. They were neat-o. But feeling like I did, I really didn’t care about any neat-o things. “Oh another whale. Nice. Okay, how long do we have left?”  

When we finally got back to the dock, we all started feeling better immediately. We disembarked and headed for the car, but lo and behold, all the restaurants were giving taster cups of their clam chowder. So we bought a bread bowl of it and all my kids and I shared it as we explored the pier. Now that was neat-o! So warm after shivering for so long. We will never forget this adventure. I will never do it again.

So there are other conflicts that have arisen in my life that are similar to this. I find myself in situations over which I have no control. Maybe I’m the one who got myself into them in the first place. That’s usually the case. But most of the time I have had no idea it was going to turn into such a rocking and rolling upchucking experience. When I compare my experience on the 3 Hour Tour Whale Watching Boat Ride with these other experiences, I am able to more accurately identify how to resolve conflicts like these.

First, I need to identify the source of comfort that is most powerful to me. This should be someone I trust and with whom I have developed a very close relationship. This is a person who knows me well and loves me so that He’s able to evaluate when I am not myself during a conflict. He knows I’m not always in a bad mood. He knows I don’t always respond to situations like I’m responding to this one. This is the person I go to unload all of my personal struggles, irritations, frustrations, and feelings of insecurity. I don’t take this relationship for granted by just using it as a place to dump. It’s usually a relationship of love, appreciation, admiration, attraction, respect, and Joy. So when I go through times when I have to wrinkle my nose, complain, and express how upset I am, He is well aware that the trial I’m going through must be very intense.

Second, if I do talk to others about the problem, I need to keep the communication objective. I talk to them in order to objectively resolve the conflict. But unfortunately, I don’t always keep it objective. On the boat, I knew there was no one else to whom I could go “to hear my soul’s complaint.” That was very plain. But when I have other life-conflicts, sometimes I try unloading on other people. Because I need their objective help to resolve the conflict, they are usually eager to help me deal with all of the emotional baggage I’m carrying as well. But the issue is, it ends up feeling like I’m violating someone else’s privacy when I do that. Often times it’s not a rocking and rolling boat that is making me feel like I want to puke. It’s a rocking and rolling relationship with another person.

So in order for my objective helpers to comfort me, I have to basically describe the cause of my conflict to them, which is the other person’s behavior and how it’s making me feel, how it’s making me react when I don’t want to react that way. I end up feeling like I have to justify why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. It becomes a subjective analysis rather than an objective analysis. A blame game. A game of who is right and who is wrong. That just intensifies the conflict for me. I need someone who knows exactly what is going on behind the scenes because it is behind the scenes that I predominantly live. It is tempting to seek for comfort and support from others but just like on the boat, while I sincerely appreciate their support, it is never enough for me. I have to go to that one person I trust the most. He is the person I rely on above all others. Over an extended period of time I have developed a relationship with him that I have come to depend upon implicitly. I want to hear his opinions. I want his presence. I don’t want to do anything in my relationships with other people to make my relationship with Him rock and roll so that he would rather be anywhere else than with me. I don’t want him to be counting the minutes left before this whole Boat Ride Relationship with me will be over.

Oh, it’s so hard for me to give “just the facts!”

“O wretched [wo]man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.” ~2 Nephi 4:17-19

The cool thing about trials is if I can just shut up and take it, let others evaluate me in Pride and Envy despite my sincere intentions to do good to them without turning and reviling again in Pride and Envy, and go to my Savior alone for my comfort and support, I will be able to feel his love in that intense amazing way that I did on the boat.  And that love is more intense than what I experience when everything is hunky-dory.

"And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; that ye do not revile against those who do cast you out because of your exceeding poverty [or because of your reaction to whatever weaknesses and sins which do so easily beset you], lest ye become sinners like unto them; But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions." ~Alma 34:40-41

Why Children Need Their Agency to Grow

Recently, I took care of a little 4-year-old girl for a couple of weeks. She’s the daughter of a young woman I taught in church, who is now 32 and a mom. She has been a close family friend since she was twelve years old.  She and her daughter are staying with us for a few months until she gets back on her feet. In many ways, I feel like I’m playing the grandma role. My interactions with her are definitely more grandma in nature than the mom I used to be when I had kids that age. As I reflect upon the changes in my temperament and abilities, I'm coming to the conclusion that my younger motherhood years were training years. I was like an apprentice. Having seen the journey of a child from birth to young adulthood, I have a more complete perspective of the different stages she goes through. And that gives me greater faith when dealing with fleeting misbehaviors. I know the behaviors won't endure and I also know that my own response to them plays a huge role in my own ability to bear them as well as in teaching the child by example how parents paradoxically sacrifice for their children. After many years of being away from that very difficult training period in my life, I am thankful for the experience and personal guidance from my Savior which have given me greater understanding of the relationship between a parent and a child and the natural conflicts that arise.

I've always loved the scripture in Isaiah that describes the learning process as "precept upon precept, line upon line, here a little, and there a little." Here is the exact scripture:

"Whom shall he teach knowledge? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine?...For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little." ~Isaiah 28:9-10

My own parents weren't always patience with me as a child. They had their own struggles and were still trying to work them out as do most parents. Consequently, patience was not one of my strengths upon entering my own parent-apprenticeship. However, because I wanted so badly to be patient, I turned to God and asked him to teach me how. He has answered my prayers. He taught me precept upon precept, line upon line, here a little, and there a little. Over the course of many years, I've had to learn how to be patient with myself, knowing He is being patient with me. Now that I am nearing the grandma years, I do indeed have more patience.

In taking care of my friend's 4-year-old daughter, I’ve been watching myself to assess the reason I’m responding to her so patiently. I’ve noticed that I now have an overall rule governing my thoughts and actions to strive as much as possible to honor her agency - her right to choose for herself. There are a number of family/home/safety rules she must keep but if her choice to do something doesn’t break one of those rules, I allow her to continue doing it.  While I'm in charge of her, if she doesn’t want to eat all her food, she doesn’t have to. If she doesn’t like something I give her, she doesn’t have to eat it. If she wants a band-aid or a piece of gum, why not?  If she wants to sit on my lap, hop on. If she wants to get down and do something else, off you go. If she is curious about something in my office, if it is safe, let her see it and handle it. I answer her questions about it but don’t go overboard with the answer. I tell her what she wants to know. She determines how much that is. If she wants to use the Swiffer to help me sweep the floor, go for it. If she wants to take the mop from me and do it herself, okay. No reason to stifle the desire to clean when it’s actually there. 

The following song emphasizes this governing rule to allow a child to make her own choices. The lyrics say, "This is your life. What 'cha gonna do?...The choices you make say what you are and who..." Listen: "This is Your Life" by Francesca Battistelli

When I honor a child's right to choose, I tell her yes. I let her make the choice. And when a child is given that choice often enough she senses the love in that. She may not be able to analyze it like I do, but she feels it. Every child knows that she has agency - the God-given gift to choose. I believe children learn to honor the rules we ask them to keep when we honor their agency rule as much as we can.

The movie Miracle Worker by Walt Disney is a retelling of the Helen Keller story. Helen was born seeing and hearing but at 19 months old contracted an unknown illness later thought to be scarlet fever or meningitis which left her blind and deaf for the rest of her life.  When Helen was 7 years old, Anne Sullivan was hired to teach and train her. Helen had acquired a number of bad habits because her parents, in their pity, had not set enough boundaries for her to enable Helen's relationships with her family to be compatible and sustainable. Anne first trained Helen to stop eating off of other people’s plates, eating with her hands, pinching, hitting, or hurting people when she wanted something, throwing things across the room, and collapsing on the floor screaming and kicking when she didn’t get her way. Anne was just beginning to get through to Helen. She was able to help Helen stop the tantrums and other undesirable behaviors but she hadn’t been able to fully teach her about her gift of agency. Helen’s father was satisfied with a more well-behaved, clean daughter. He wasn't interested in Helen's further progression, but Anne was. In the movie, Anne said to him, “I taught Helen one thing. 'No.' Don't do this, don't do that. I wanted to teach her ‘yes’."

When children are habitually out of control, it’s difficult to honor their agency. Because of Helen’s disability, she had developed some pretty bad habits. Those had to be “treated” first in order for her agency to be fully honored. I believe this is why the scriptures tell us to repent first "for the kingdom of heaven is at hand". I see the kingdom of heaven being the Holy Ghost and the angels who stand ready to teach and train each of us. Like Helen, we cannot see or hear them, yet we can sense them. But we won't want to listen to them and indeed can't hear them until we repent of the behaviors we know do not lead to compatible sustainable relationships.

 "Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." ~ Matthew 3:2

When I was caring for the 4-year-old girl one day, I made the mistake of giving her some kid-scissors to cut some string she was playing with. When I wasn’t looking, she snuck away and used them to cut her hair. While it wasn’t the end of the world that her bangs were a little shorter, I should probably have thought through some privileges a bit more before giving them. Children also have the tendency to take advantage of the agency we give them. They’re not doing it to spite us any more than we’re doing it to spite God when we take advantage of the agency he gives us. Most of us are just exploring our universe, seeing where the boundaries are, and seeing what happens when we make certain choices. We’re all a bunch of scientists.

I brought the scissor-event up to identify the boundaries of the agency rule.  It’s not love if we give them too many choices. This was shown with Helen Keller's parents spoiling her out of pity. The wise parent and grandparent looks for the balance. We can be overly controlling with our rules and boundaries or we can be underly controlling. We find that middle ground through our own scientific experiments and the guidance of the Holy Ghost.