I Need To Communicate!

I needed to communicate.  Really, there was no getting around it.  And I needed to communicate with my New Parent about my kids, about my life, about things I couldn't talk about with anyone else.   I decided to start writing letters to him.  I would figuratively send my letter out and then forget to check the mailbox.  I would even forget that I even sent the letter…until I ended up in major conflict and wrote another letter much like the first.

Finding Nemo

“Checking the mailbox” is like this game I once played with my primary class.  I showed the class a gift wrapped box and explained that we were going to send a child out of the room and then hide this desirable item.  When the child left, we hid the gift and I told the rest of the children that our job was to be her guide to help her find it.  I invited her back into the room and instructed her to find the gift.  When she got closer to the location we had hidden it, the rest of the class and I tapped our fingers on our chairs.  The closer she came, the louder and faster we tapped until she found it. 

After I learned that I needed to be searching for a response to my letter, I realized the responses were coming and they always had been.  It was just me who didn't know how to receive them.

As communication improved, my letters and their responses transferred to emails.  My ability to identify his response increased in speed.   

 

Finally communication became very rapid much like text messaging.  As I was writing the question in my journal, the answer would begin to come.  I didn't know the answer before I wrote the question.  Sometimes these answers would come in the form of songs I had heard, stories I had read, verses of scripture, or the words others had written in books or that I had heard spoken. 

More on the Concept of a New Parent

In past posts I’ve spoken of my need for a New Parent.  Because there have been many who have written down or spoken of the parenting structure they have found works the best, I have been able to be specifically retrained.  Dr. GlennI. Latham, Stephen R. Covey, Grant Von Harrison, and Dean Hughes are three of those people who have influenced me like fathers.

There are specific fathers and there are more general fathers.  The specific fathers I choose to listen to are those whose words are attended by a specific feeling that I have come to know as my General Father’s signature (John 10:27).  In this way, I choose to be parented by my General Father and no one else.

I have noted in my blog post Responsibility and Choice that, “While we want the state of happiness, we don’t want the secrets to obtain it just handed to us.  We want to figure it out on own.  I think we're okay with clues but we are intelligent beings that love solving a good mystery.  We love progressing through a story.  We don’t want to hear the ending until the end.  And we can’t really feel the joy of the solution unless we’ve had to wait for it, solve it, sacrifice for it. ” 

I believe that my General Father knows this about me.  That’s why he hangs back a ways.  He wants me to answer the question myself having studied all the facts.  So he interacts with me via clues; the clues in themselves become my facts.  When people act as specific parents, their actions and words are like clues.  I can sense the figurative taps in my heart or lack of them.  The energy I feel there is not under my control except my controlling my thoughts.  If I think a thought or consider someone else’s, I can sense his opinion of it.  He gives his opinion because of the letter I sent him requesting his response.

So that means if I read a book and a story is told in it that applies to my own situation, I can feel it.  If I listen to a song and the words in it strike deep within my heart, I know my General Father is responding to my letter.  If I’m reading someone’s ideas on how to be a good parent and I feel a sense of peace or even excitement wash over me, I know I’m being answered.

That feeling cannot be mocked.  People have tried but it always comes out flat or sharp.  The real feeling is the most powerful, the most beautiful, and the most lasting feeling I have ever experienced.  I know it.  I love it.  I am allegiant to it.  He has won me hands down.

Revelation and Inspiration

Fasting

We know that drugs and alcohol numb the senses.  But I have found that when I turn to substances that are imbalanced to even lesser degrees for my peace and energy, my ability to sense my General Father’s texts decreases.  Occasional fasting  has enabled me to regain sensitivity for a period of time.  Since I desire a more continuous presence, I strive to fast on a more continuous basis from anything that disrupts the level of communication I desire to maintain.

Structure:  General vs. Specific

Before I started writing my prayers, I could only plead for general help.  “Please help me.”  I had no idea what I needed.  I only knew I didn’t like where I was at and somehow needed things to get better.

Star Wars: The Deathstar Battle

I’m sure I heard the directions from many different sources that I needed to get more specific—identify what I needed that would in actuality help me.  But the proton torpedo that finally penetrated my shields and caused a chain reaction of amazing events in my life was Grant Von Harrison’s “Drawing On The Powers Of Heaven” that my mom sent me.

Proton Torpedo #1:  Identify my Specific Desires

“When a person chooses not to use his free will in directing his thoughts, he leaves the dimensions of the mind that control his desires wide open to suggestion….So you have the choice of deliberately directing your thinking, or allowing other forces to dictate your desires and attitudes” (pg. 17).

Proton Torpedo #2:  Identify the Processes within my control to obtain my Desires and resolve my Conflicts

“The powers of heaven are governed by spiritual laws; their receipt is always predicated upon obedience to law.  When you understand and learn to comply with these laws, you will be able to consistently call upon the powers of heaven to assist you in your endeavors.  The scriptures tell us very clearly that we must be obedient to specific laws in order to receive blessings from God (D&C 130:20-21).”

Proton Torpedo #3:  Communicate my Specific Desires and Commitments to my General Father

“In order to draw on the powers of heaven, you must systematically decide what you want the Lord to help you accomplish.  It is impossible to exercise faith in the powers of heaven at your disposal without having a very specific end in mind.  The most serious failing on [our part] with respect to faith as a principle of power is [our] failure to make specific decisions regarding things [we] want the Lord to assist [us] with (Mormon 9:21).

Camhi Lane

A good friend of mine, Camhi Lane, wrote the following about how it does take effort to establish this communication relationship with our General Father:

“Work begs structure. There is a scheduled time and a place for work and there must also be a scheduled time and place for prayer. Try making an appointment with the Lord. Show up to that appointment. Don’t be late. Don’t be under dressed. The Lord will be there on time and ready and so should you. Are you going for a walk with the Lord? Good. Tell Him when and where to meet you. Would you like a standing appointment on Sundays at 8pm. Great. Be there, and be ready to take notes because if you ask the Lord to show up, He will.”

Just as I need to have a time and place for Kid Report, I also need to have a time and place for my own Report.  I’ve needed to take the relationship seriously because I have wanted him to seriously help me.  Keeping these appointments is the core level of my commitment.

Imogen Heap “Can’t Take It In”

At the beginning of this journey—developing this communication relationship with my General Father--I really wanted my desires badly.   My life, my situation, had come to the point where I was motivated to do all I could to obtain them.  But at the same time I would not, could not deviate into using greater imbalanced methods to obtain.  Sink or swim.  The course I was on needed to be corrected.  I made the course corrections—kept my commitments continuously (and usually not perfectly).  Snail mail developed into text messaging.  Within 6 months, my life changed forever, the boredom I was experiencing leaving me, excitement moving into a predominant position, happiness, "how-can-it-be-so-beautiful" experiences one after another.   

Yes, there are refiner’s fires, hard times, things I would prefer not to have to go through.  This is definitely not Candy Land.  But overall has been a steady progression towards the best place I have EVER been in.

Responsibility and Choice

I used to have a tendency to argue and debate a true principle to the ground with my kids.  I knew it was right and if they would see the light, they would avoid all kinds of sorrow in their future.  Usually they didn’t see.  I believed it was because I still hadn’t explained it well enough or lovingly enough.  It was so clear to me and there were so many examples that validated its truth.  But many times I overdid my persuasive methods and ended up in a power struggle with my kids.  And sometimes these interactions left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

 These unpleasant feelings created an unconscious aversion to interacting with my children because it seemed like they were the cause.

Read more about Classical Conditioning

I didn’t know that the unpleasant feeling I experienced was the effect of my own boundary crossing—trying to force my will, however true it may have been and however well-intentioned, on children who have the inherent right to choose for themselves.

So after particularly difficult interactions with my kids my parenting method changed to a more permissive approach until I healed.  Then I would begin to feel a different kind of discomfort because my kids started getting out of control.  I feared I was neglecting my responsibilities.  So back to the authoritarian methods I would turn.  And the cycle repeated itself.

http://www.theheroschoice.com/

Last Tuesday night I attended a workshop organized by the women’s group of my church.  Roger K. Allen, Ph.D. was the visiting speaker who talked to us about how we can better raise responsible, emotionally mature children.  I loved it.  The point that stuck out to me the most (which usually means the thing I need to work on the most) was that we need to let our children make the decisions that belong to them.

“We cannot control our children and make them think, feel and do exactly as we want.  We may lecture, preach, threaten and nag our kids to do their homework, choose good friends, etc., but we cannot follow them around and ensure that they do as we wish.  They own their lives and have to learn to make their own choices” (Roger K. Allen, Ph.D.).

Every time I am reminded of this, I breathe a sigh of relief!  It is such a good feeling.  But then I go along my way letting my kids make their own choices and they start crossing each other’s boundaries and all hell breaks loose in my home.  What now?  That’s when I listen to the parenting advisers from the other side:

 “We, as parents, are the authority in our homes. ‘train up a child in the way he should go…’ (Prov.22.6).  Due to our knowledge, capability  and experience, we have a duty to preside.  We must be strong enough to establish our authority and use this authority to create a positive, nurturing environment with clear expectations, routines, traditions, and loving communication.  We are firm and fair.  We say what we mean and mean what we say (Roger K. Allen, Ph.D.).”

I like the fact that Dr. Allen addressed both parenting sides.  He didn’t advocate one or the other but a balance in between them.  This balance takes a high level of attention, effort, and diligence to acquire and maintain. 

Dr. Allen suggested that if we focus on identifying what our choices and responsibilities are and what our children’s are, we can best find this balance.  He started his discussion with the overall responsibility and desire that we as parents have:  To raise responsible, emotionally mature children.

I see my kids’ responsibility as their commitments that we go over in Kid Report everyday.  It is the degree of sacrifice they can maintain out of their own choice without feeling like they are slaves.  Because if they think they are slaves, they aren’t going to be able to grow from their commitment keeping (Moroni 7:6-8).  This is why I make sure to attach their personal desires to the other side of their commitments.  I teach the principle over and over again:  Keeping your commitments is the foundational process to obtain your desires.

I love the Responsibility Diagram Dr. Allen uses to describe the crescendo of responsibility in a child’s life.   It depicts my overall goal and commitment as a parent.  I need to train them to be able to make, keep, and report on commitments out of their own free will.  I don’t want to force them because then they will never develop the muscle.  I don’t want to get in the way of each child’s inherent desire to grow.  But I also don’t want to leave them without structure, goals, and purpose.  Leaving a child to figure it all out on her own from scratch would be like our predecessors burning their stories, historical accounts, journals, and findings before they died. 

Growth is the measuring stick that helps me know how each child is doing.  When I evaluate each child, I ask the questions, “Is her ability to sacrifice without outside compulsion increasing?  Is he progressively able to take on a greater level of commitment over time?” 

I ask these questions not only about their performance in hard skills but also their performance in soft skills.  I know that the greater level they are able to sacrifice in both of these areas consistently, the better the spouse and parent they will be when it is their turn.  Life is hard.  Work has to be done not only to physically live but also to spiritually live with each other in joy.  When a person acquires a greater ability to willingly sacrifice out of love, he or she finds greater joy in each opportunity.  And that person in and of him or herself is an absolute reward for others to be around (John 8:12).

As I’ve pondered on Dr. Allen’s words of last Tuesday night and the handout he gave us, I have come to understand much more clearly how to help rather than hinder my kids’ intrinsic motivation to grow.  Here are my commitments:

• Consistently ask kids to identify their desires (what they generally want and how I can help them obtain that) balanced with Kid Report

• Allow my kids to choose whether they will keep their commitments or not but track them.

• At a separate time, teach my kids WHY it has been in my best interest to keep my commitments and HOW I have been able to  do it especially when it seemed like it would be the death of me.  Read stories of others’ experiences as well (FSS).

• Allow consequences to follow kids’ choices and:

• Empathize when things get harder for them or when they can’t obtain their desires

• Positively reinforce them when they choose the pathway that leads to growth in responsibility 

I love the following quote by Dr. Allen:   

“It is easy to overstep boundaries and rob our children of their agency.  We set expectations, teach, and then support our children in their challenges by allowing them to carry out their own responsibilities, solve their own problems, and make their own decisions.  By trying to do this for them, we steal from them growth opportunities of great value.” 

Dr. Allen focused on empathy during the workshop.  He believes that children are like flowers.  Each one is different so a one-size-fits-all plan is not going to be enough.  There are rules and they are set as a standard for everyone.  But then we need to empathize with each child when it comes to the specifics. 

I understand the need to be flexible.  I tell my kids my stories and the stories of others but then let them apply these to their own story on their own.  Each of my children have learned somewhat differently than the others.  Each one has had their own unique fears to overcome.  Sometimes a child has needed a higher degree of structure and other times I’ve had to let go.  Seeing Dr. Allen’s Responsibility Diagram helped me better visualize the underlying correlations between age and responsibility. 

His handout states that part of our responsibility is to respect our children—see the goodness and uniqueness in each one of them.  This means we allow them to be who they are, join them in their world, take time for them, and honor their boundaries.  We affirm them, listen to them, and support them.  Instead of solving their specific problems for them, we ask them what they need and how we can help them.

Solving a child’s problem for him is like sitting around playing Trivial Pursuit and when it’s our child’s turn, we quickly give him the answer.  I’m kind of guilty of this.  Just kind of.  It’s not that I’m trying to be a ball hog.  It’s that I’m so excited about the ability that I have found to answer questions.  For so long I didn’t have it and experienced so much sorrow as a result.  I just figured everyone would be as excited as I was to hear the answers.  But I’m learning another very strange truth.  While we want the state of happiness, we don’t want the secrets to obtain it just handed to us.  We want to figure it out on on own.  I think we're okay with clues but we are intelligent beings that love solving a good mystery.  We love progressing through a story.  We don’t want to hear the ending until the end.  And we can’t really feel the joy of the solution unless we’ve had to wait for it, solve it, sacrifice for it. 

I have found that my present ability to experience joy is as intense as the level of sacrifice that has been required of me (Moses 5:10-11).

Because I am also still on my growth journey, I am able to find a more effective balance for each child when I rely on my New Parent.  He seems to understand each of my children better than I do.  He is the founder of the goal of raising responsible, emotionally mature children and I am one of his servants helping out with that goal.

Thus this is not the first time I’ve heard the general concept behind what Dr. Allen taught but hearing his fresh perspective was motivating.  Because of my continued tendency to deviate to one side of my desired balance and then the other, I need reminders.  Each unique perspective either teaches me more specifically about the process to obtain my goals or strengthens what I already knew.  Both are an integral part of my training.

Paradoxical vs. Survival Parenting

As a parent I’m aware that my children do not yet understand how to keep their commitments to the extent I do so I show them how it works by keeping mine first even when they don’t. I do this both in the physical chores around the house AND in the spiritual chores. When they are disrespectful, I am not disrespectful back. When they yell at me, I do not yell back. When they are rude to me, I do not respond with rudeness. At least this is my credo that I strive for. I call this credo Paradoxical Parenting.

Survival Parenting
Survival Parenting is when I respond to my kids' imbalanced behaviors with my own imbalanced behavior. It's reacting. It is parenting with the core motivation to manage my kids so that they do what I want them to do for me and my needs. And this is usually unconscious. My inadvertent goal is for them to lighten my burden. The problem with relying on my kids so heavily, however unconsciously it is done, is that they aren't able to lighten my burden as much as I need it lightened. And since I'm the mom, I'm in a position where ideally I'm supposed to lighten theirs.

In evaluating myself over the years I can see that I have both Paradoxical and Survival tendencies. My overall goal and commitment has been to incrementally increase my ability to Paradoxically Parent and decrease my weakness to slip into Survival Parenting.

I descend into Survival Parenting when I do not have someone I can depend on to lighten my burdens. Paradoxical Parenting takes a lot of strength. It is a leap of faith. I need to be willing to take the hits my kids give me with FAITH that my own Parent--the Savior--has my back. It may seem like my kids are "winning" and I am "losing" when I bow my head like this and take it, but paradoxically and with my own Parent's support I am choosing a way that promotes winning in the end.

Listen: Losing by 10th Avenue North

Justice and Mercy
Here's a clip that demonstrates Paradoxical Parenting from a book my sister, Melody, gave me a few years ago by Michael J. Bradley, Ed. D. 

"Michael's mom sat in my office sobbing, repeatedly attempting to reason with her raging and verbally vicious adolescent son. After watching his endless bullying and her tormented begging for too long, I sent him out of the room, turned to her and said, 'Why are you talking to him like he makes sense?' 'What do you mean?' she sobbed.  I gave her the same shrugging 'Duh' gesture her son had just used a dozen times and I almost yelled, 'He's nuts! You can't talk to crazy people like they make sense.' Her eyes and mouth flew open, astonished at my insensitivity. Slowly her wrenching sobs transformed into chuckling, softly at first, then building to a crescendo of raucous laughter that rang off the walls. 'Oh...How I needed to laugh like that! It feels wonderful. You're right. Michael is nuts. And I'm nuts to sit here and talk with him like that.'

"Michael's performance illustrates a lot about contemporary adolescents....My own performance illustrates much about us as responding adults....That cool, controlled psychologist was working hard to restrain an old rule-based urge to eviscerate Michael. This keeping-cool stuff is not as easy as it looks. Part of me wanted to make him cry really hard for daring to be disrespectful to both me and his terrified mother. I wanted badly to physically intimidate him, to jack him up against the wall and scream, 'JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?' My alternate response came from years of retraining and experience focusing on unlearning my old rules (what I saw my father do) as much as learning new skills" (Michael J. Bradleny, Ed. D., Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!, pg. 3-4).

In Paradoxical Parenting, my responsibility is to respond as a cool, controlled parent when my kids' behavior is imbalanced. But there is another element I need in order for the Paradox to work. I need to understand that the Savior is feeling the way Dr. Bradley was feeling when kids treat their mothers or fathers like dirt. I need to know someone desires to defend me. It is wrong to treat others like that no matter how old you are. Wrong. Bottom line. And people who do are crazy. Just knowing that Jesus Christ agrees with that is powerfully comforting! 

I don't want him to respond with full justice right now anyway. I hope he will teach my child about balanced behavior. And I admire him even more for giving my son or daughter time to get it all figured out. But that doesn't mean he stands around and waits for changes to occur. It means that he is actively engaged in training that child how to behave. I have faith in that. If I don't, I can't Parent Paradoxically. And I'm here to help Him accomplish this goal. Full justice is not upon my kids but incremental increasing justice over time IS (Alma 42:25).

Mercy = Justice / Time

Got Confidence?
The other thing that happens when I take hits from my kids without responding with Survival methods is that I can feel the Lord's approval, confirmation, and admiration. My confidence increases. 

I have found that confidence is like a muscle. In order to strengthen it, I have to lift weights. When I lift my kids' weight of behavioral imbalance, I grow stronger. When I lift a physical weight during my workouts, I accept the pain. I let it happen to me. During the full range of motion of a bicep curl, my arm is indeed in pain. It hurts. But since I have all kinds of faith that in doing this my muscle is getting stronger, I accept it and am even glad for the pain (Matthew 5:11-12). I give a portion of my life up willingly (John 10:18).

Newton's Third Law of Motion
Newton's Third Law of Motion states, "When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction to that of the first body."

When my kids respond to me with Survival behavior, they are like a body that exerts force upon me. Just as there is an equal and opposite force that reacts, I will have the natural urge to retaliate. When I stop myself from retaliating I contradict my natural desire for Survival. It doesn't seem right in the moment. It creates a conflict inside of me. When I take the hardest hits part of me can't even remember why I should respond in this Paradoxical way. It has taken training and time to make sacrifice my spiritual reflex.

Nature vs. Nurture
Paradoxical Parenting is not inherent. Again, it doesn't come naturally. Most of us learn a combination of Paradoxical and Survival Parenting skills throughout our childhood. If my parents predominantly parented Paradoxically, I have a greater likelihood to have stronger Paradoxical skills. 

In fact, the only way I could have obtained the natural strength to make this kind of sacrifice for my kids is if my parents did the same for me when I was a child. If they did, I will remember both unconsciously and consciously. I will have a greater capacity and skill to take the hits my kids give me. It was done for me. Now it’s my turn to do it for them.

If my parents predominantly parented using Survival techniques, I will find myself lacking in Paradoxical skills. It wasn’t done for me, and so I don’t have the strength or even the understanding of how to do it for my kids. This isn’t an active choice of how I will respond to them. It is the way the pendulum swings (Alma 9:17). And it's a kind of bondage.

Yet it is always a balance between nature and nurture. Maybe my parents did parent me paradoxically, but I still act like a turd-brain. When parents choose Paradoxical Parenting, they zero-out themselves as a cause for their children's imbalanced behaviors (Jacob 1:19). But if they choose Survival Parenting, it leaves their children without a choice. When they have children, they will parent using Survival techniques.

Cause Identification
I do not assign causes for my present Survival tendencies so that I may justify my continued Survival behaviors. That's toxic blame. If I did that, I would continue in my imbalances. 

I seek to identify the causes of my problems for the purpose of understanding WHAT happened and WHY. If I don't do this, I will descend into toxic shame--blaming myself for all my failures. And that get's me no where in resolving this conflict. My motivation for identifying the cause is to objectively evaluate the variables and recognize where my choices are now.

A quote that has had a profound impact on me is Victor Frankl's: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." When I evaluate the interactions in my past and my present relationships, I am able to find that space. And because I have learned to turn to Christ in that space (when someone is unkind to me or hurts me in any way), I am able to stop myself from responding in kind. I have faith that he has my back. He will make it right somehow, someway. And I will become stronger for the sacrifices he wants me to make.

Restructuring DNA
When I found that Paradoxical Parenting wasn’t predominantly in me, I turned to a New Parent - Jesus Christ. In a sense, I had to be born again (John 3). I had to be retrained, re-loved, re-sacrificed for. I had to become a child again. My spiritual DNA had to be reorganized.

Because the Savior has spent so much of his time listening to me, empathizing with me, defending me, teaching me, being an example for me, and loving me, I have developed Paradoxical strength as an adult. I can take an increased level of the hits my kids (and others) give me without retaliation. I have learned how to control my response process and to be motivated to do it.

We Can Rebuild Her. We Have The Technology.

I used to watch the Bionic Man (the Six Million Dollar Man) and the Bionic Woman when I was younger. These television series made in the 70s were about two people who were injured beyond repair. They would have died had the scientists and doctors not replaced certain body parts with bionic parts. This theme is something like Captain America or even Star Wars. Their new legs enabled them to run super fast. They were both super strong. One of them could see extra long distances, while the other had very sensitive hearing. 

This story is a good metaphor for my own life story. I was seriously struggling with my parenting responsibilities and consequently my self-worth for many years. I didn't have the skills and knowledge to succeed in parenting. When I turned to Jesus Christ, he rebuilt me. He had the technology. He has given me a gift, and I have used it. Because of these skills, I became a mother with strength enough to raise my kids Paradoxically.

See Kid Report to learn more.

Now, after so many years I still get hurt sometimes. And even if I can control my outward response, I need to be repaired on the inside. So, I still go to the Lord regularly for rehab. Sometimes it takes us a little more time to unravel the tight knots in my heart and mind. But he ALWAYS does it no matter how tight the knots (2 Nephi 19:6).

10th Avenue North:  "By Your Side"

Through the years of spiritual DNA reconstruction, I have learned much about the foundational structure of the human soul. The imbalanced tendencies towards Survival Parenting I inherited from my parents are incrementally being overcome through this relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Every single one of us has Survival tendencies to some degree. We're all crazy! And we have been raised by parents who are crazy to some degree. That means we all have a need for the Atonement of Jesus Christ to some degree.

Because He understands why I have used Survival Parenting in the past, he has taken my hits--the ones I give to him, to my children, and to others. He has given me time to figure it out. He has born my burdens and has taken care of me. I literally am reborn. But he hasn't stood around waiting for me to change. He has been actively training me. He expects me to increase my Paradoxical Parenting skills incrementally over time. With my "Nature vs. Nurture" choice that he has given me, I choose to continuously Parent Paradoxically.

Kid Report

When my oldest were in middle school and my youngest were in grade school I started searching for a better way to stop the chaos.  I was tired of being a nag.  Tired of hearing the anger in my voice that seemed to be required to get the kids to obey the rules of our home.  That wasn’t me.  Or at least that wasn’t what I wanted to be.  I wanted to gently but firmly love.  But how could I be that way AND train my kids to keep their commitments?  I knew I had both responsibilities and somehow I had to fulfill them both.

After much prayer and sacrifice, my own training as a mother began to accelerate and Kid Report was born.

Kid Report is what I call the system I have found that frees me from turning into the wicked witch of the west while trying to fulfill both of the aforementioned responsibilities.  It also provides a way for my kids to obtain their endless desires without spoiling them.

Off and on through the years, I established different systems to regulate when I should give them what they wanted and when I shouldn’t.  The systems usually included chore charts with commitments and rewards.  Kid Report is pulling the best of all those systems together. 

Kid Report is a meeting.  I have it every weekday with the kids at a regularly scheduled time.  It takes 15 minutes max.  Each child has a notebook where they have their responsibilities written down.  They are in charge of organizing it.  They can either write their responsibilities anew everyday in a “things to do” list or they can create a chart for the week.  When the kids were younger they all started with lists.  After doing it several times, they converted to charts.

The "1s" indicate completed chores

Writing their commitments down demonstrates they are making the commitments.  It is also the first step in keeping them.

Daily Kid Report only serves as a reminder of what their commitments are.  It is not a time to grill them for not doing what they committed to do.  When I try to grill them I feel terrible.  It’s not that it isn’t true that they aren’t keeping their commitments.  It’s not that that doesn’t create a greater burden for me to bear.  It’s that this isn’t the way to promote commitment keeping.  I am forever working on this principle.

Instead I ask each child to report on his/her commitments.  I have a notebook too with each child’s chart.   The child and I both check off what he/she has done and I express my gratitude.  Positive reinforcement. 

In the weekly Family Meeting I ask the kids to write a list of their desires in their notebook.  Then they take turns telling me what those desires are so I can write them down in my notebook.

Through this process I have come to understand that most of their desires can be taken care of with a weekly or monthly allowance.

Allowance is not contingent upon their  commitment keeping FROM DAY TO DAY.  Trying to make it contingent about drove me crazy and made me feel like Scrooge (before he had a change of heart).  The reason is that they inevitably don’t keep their commitments as consistently as I’m keeping mine to them. That's the facts.

When I give them their allowance unconditionally up front I’m sending a clear message that I keep my commitments and I trust that they will keep theirs.  Innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around.

If OVER A MORE EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME they are not keeping their commitment even though I’ve continued to keep mine, I have a warning meeting.  I inform them that if they do not start to keep commitments better, then their allowance will be discontinued.

If I want to be even more merciful to a child, I will start giving her allowance based on the percentage of commitments she is keeping (thereby making it contingent).  But again, this can’t be Scrooge-like or it becomes very irritating to both parties.  I know all about this.  So if I’m giving my daughter $10/week, and she keeps 30% (3/10) of her commitments then I will give her a $3 allowance.  The goal is to transition back to an overall trust.

A word about Honesty.  Sometimes kids will report they have completed their commitments but they really haven’t.  This helps me know that they need to learn about honesty.  They haven’t quite grasped the benefits.  I add honesty to their list of responsibilities in Kid Report.  For a time I will check on jobs myself and when I see they are being honest in their reporting, they get a check-mark.

If I feel like they are rippin’ me off with their dishonesty, then I can’t keep myself balanced as an administrator of Kid Report.  I have to understand that I’m training them here.  It’s not so much about the temporary disorder of the house or the money.  It’s about organizing them so that in the long run they become individuals who can make, keep, and report on commitments with honesty and integrity.

For these kinds of issues and other good work-ethics, we have a separate daily meeting that I call FSS.  Family Scripture Study.  The scriptures teach why it is in their best interest to cultivate these characteristics.  I ask them to apply the stories we read to their own story.

The Sword of Truth

If I try to apply them to show them what a bad boy or bad girl they have been, then it’s like I am sticking a sword in their chest.  The sword of truth.  Not necessary.  Overkill.  If I do that, I teach them how to use the word of God to inflict damage upon those who wrong us.  Yet if they are continuously behaving like virulent viruses, then I may give them a poke or two.

Kid Report and FSS are not usually quick-fix techniques.  Patience is required.  Not one of my strong points.  It is a system that has long term benefits as its targeted objective.  It is the making of a man.  It is the making of a woman.

Disney's Mulan:  Donny Osmond:  "I'll make a Man Out of You"

At 18 years old, Chris, my second oldest, sent me the following: 

June 1, 2013

“MOMMMY. I realize now more than ever that the preparation you put me through has helped immensely. I feel like I have a solid foundation to build upon. My wish is that I had followed the programs that you had set for us earlier and more closely. Feel free to tell Matthew and Laura that I said that. Hopefully that will motivate them to be more obedient or willing.”

We see that even though I have not administered Kid Report perfectly, someone has made up the difference and the kids are turning out pretty good (2 Nephi 25:23).  Also, I have thanked God on more than one occasion for my kids' resiliency.  All that has been required of me is that I do my best.  And when I fall short of that, get back up and try again.

My kids have been kids.  It’s not that they love Kid Report.  In fact, there is a general groan and sometimes outright rebellion when I say, “It’s time for Kid Report.”  That’s mostly my fault as I haven't been able to stop paying attention to the commitments they’re not keeping.  It is a leap of faith to pay attention to what they are doing right.  But the times I have consistently been good with doing that have been the times when I have felt confident in gentle but firm love for them.  And I think that’s when they grow.