“What is the best feeling you have ever experienced?” Asking my kids this question is how I helped them
know what Joy is. When I first talked to
them about Joy they thought I was referring to the feeling of Peace. Peace is apart of Joy. And there is more.
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| "Peacegiver" by Jenny Jordan Frogley |
When I receive energy from someone else that comforts,
lifts, consoles, supports, or recompenses me, I feel Peace. It is a good feeling to receive! Peace can be conveyed through words or actions. Often, I am comforted by music and stories.
For example, a number of years ago I wrote a story and sent
it off to a publisher. It was a
lot of work—I had put lots of energy into it.
I awaited the response. It
came. The manuscript had been
rejected. Such an awful feeling. So bad.
As I tried to work through it, I felt the temptation to believe that my
work was terrible. Before I sent it off
I had deemed it of great value. When I
got the rejection letter I began thinking it was of little value. 
During that same period of time I was helping Matthew, who
was then in 5th grade, with a reading assignment. We came upon a part in the story that hit me
with great force--the energy in my heart
increased remarkably to the point that it brought tears to my eyes and healing to my aching heart. There was a boy
from a poor family who didn’t have a winter coat. He was so cold everyday walking to and from
school. One day his uncle gave him a coat.
He was so happy! He greatly
valued it. Then he wore it to school. Some boys made fun of him, said it was too big for him and he looked
like a preacher. He became ashamed of
the coat and didn’t want to wear it anymore.
He took it off. One of the boys
who made fun of him said he would take it because it fit him better. And he gave it to him! (I can't remember the name of that book.)
I saw how this story totally applied to what I was doing
with my own gift. I had spent much of
my own energy to create this story and develop the ability to write. I had requested much help from my New Parent and had received it. When other
people said my writing skills were of no value in so many words, I was ashamed.
This story helped me see more clearly what was going
on inside me. It filled my heart with utter Peace.
I understood. It wasn’t that my
story, my ability, my work was worthless. It was
that these publishers didn’t understand the value. And it gave me strength to endure the
criticism and the brush-offs during that experience as well as in others I have since had.
And there IS more...
When
I am able to GIVE energy to someone else that comforts, lifts, consoles,
supports, or recompenses them, I feel Energy.
It causes the Peace to actively flow through me and out to someone who
is in need. This is a feeling of excitement,
motivation, and exhilaration.
For example, once I was asked to teach a class on nutrition
to a group of women from my church. I
spent much time and communication with my New Parent to figure out what this
particular group of women needed to hear on that subject. When I arrived my good friend who had
asked me to speak told me that not a lot of people had signed up for my class (there
were multiple classes offered that evening) so she assigned me to a very small
room. It’s hard to prepare for so long
and then find there is little interest in what you have prepared. But I knew not to base
the value of my efforts on numbers or popularity. I came to serve. In my mind I just looked upward and said, “If
there is one person who benefits from my work, that will be good enough.”
After the opening remarks everyone filed off to the different classes. To
my surprise my little classroom filled and by the end of the evening was
overflowing into the hall. As I talked
to them about nutrition and asked them to share what they already knew, I felt Energy flowing between us. They were
receiving what I had to offer and I was receiving what they had to offer! I could
tell needs were being met through my comments and through theirs. There is such a thing as the need for gratitude. One of the women stayed after and talked to me for quite a bit longer,
thanking me for my presentation and asking more questions. She and I have since become really good
friends. She’s one of the sweetest
people I know.
Another time, and this is pretty recent, I was helping my
sister Melody with her son Trevor’s wedding.
The reception was at a local church and my sister was in charge of the
cake. It was her desire to also serve cake
during the reception so the guests wouldn’t have to wait until the bride and
groom ceremoniously cut their little pieces and smashed them in each other’s
faces. We had spent time beforehand
preparing smaller satellite cakes including cupcakes. These had to be assembled and frosted at the
church. The bride’s family was also
providing fruit and other finger foods.
My sister didn’t think about communicating that we would be needing the
kitchen. And the person in charge of
the refreshments for the bride’s family didn’t think about communicating that
she would be needing the kitchen. So
that evening we were busily getting the cakes ready until it was almost time
for the group pictures to be taken, which was shortly before the reception
started. The woman from the bride’s
family had come in repeatedly during our prep time but no one understood that her
frustrated comments and demeanor were communications that she needed to use the
kitchen too and ASAP. She also had
things to prepare—put on platters, etc.
When we realized what was going on, we expedited our departure, quickly
finishing and cleaning up. When she
started bringing her supplies into the kitchen, she was visibly stressed out.
I said, “I will help you.”
“They are taking
pictures. You need to be out there,” she
responded.
“I’m just an
aunt. I don’t need to be in the pictures.”
She protested again and I reassured her saying, “ I am going
to stay and help you.”
At that moment I felt an unexpected and overwhelming surge of Energy rush
through me. I didn’t think my choice to
help was that big of a deal (I seriously didn’t care if I was in the pictures
or not.). But I knew it had comforted
her. It had hit the spot. Her irritation and stress visibly evaporated. And moreover I could feel my New Parent’s opinion of me, the Peace part of my
Joy. Everything turned out wonderful. Others came in to help too and we got
everything out on time. For the rest of
the evening, she was sure to give us a hand where we needed it and vice versa.
Peace and Energy combine to create Joy inside my heart when these two feelings are balanced.
When these two feelings are imbalanced with
each other I experience a degree of Sorrow.
Together Joy and Sorrow form a ratio.
I continuously feel a degree of each depending on my balance between
them. I sense this continuum. I'm usually not completely balanced all the time. I believe the swinging motion is the natural and general state of all people. I also believe its okay to not be perfectly balanced. My goal is to continually aim for it while at the same time accepting mine and others' humanity.
Another way to diagram the relationship between Joy and
Sorrow is:
When I receive too little energy for how much I’m giving, I
feel stressed out. I’m running faster
than I have strength and looking to people to help me who are not helping
me (Mosiah 4:27). They’re not able to comfort or support
me for whatever reason (John 14:27). Often times I
get imbalanced to this side because I’m trying to sacrifice in ways I don’t
really need to sacrifice. I’m crossing
boundaries. I think I have to do all
these things to be valuable to my family or my community when I don’t. I can tell when I’m getting this way when I
begin to resent the fact that I have to do it (Moroni 7:6-8). And sometimes it's just that I need to gain a better perspective of the situation in order to get my heart to join in.
When I receive too much energy for how little I’m giving, I
feel bored. I’m running slower than I
have strength and receiving too much “junk food” from superfluous sources that
just don’t have the power to really hit the spot. Often times I get imbalanced to this side
because my children, who I would like to sacrifice for, are not receiving it or
it appears like they’re not. I feel like
a slug. Totally worthless and
useless. I have no idea what to do to be
of value to anyone. I can tell when I’m
getting this way when I have an unusually elevated appetite for treats. “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me. Mi’se well go eat w-o-r-ms tr-e-a-ts.”
I make fun of this now but in the moment, it’s pretty serious. And nobody better sing that song to me then!
(my mom used to)
For me, being stressed out or bored from time to time is not
a big deal. I know trials, adversity, etc. are
apart of life. The conflict is when these emotions
deepen and increase for extended periods of time and I can’t get out no matter
what I do (Anxiety and Depression). I’ve gone through long
periods of time when it feels like my whole life is overwhelming. I’ve also had years of feeling completely
under-whelmed.
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| Elder Richard G. Scott |
My kids have a tendency to veer off to receiving too much
energy for how little they’re giving.
One time we went on vacation to the beach in Aptos, California. I love this quaint little town near Santa
Cruz because my grandparents bought a beach cabin there in the 1940s and I have
been a beneficiary of this gift throughout my life.
We have brought our children there many times over the past 21
years. Now the cabin is rented out to
vacationers to avoid long periods of stagnancy. Also, it has become a pretty good
source of income to my grandparents’ surviving three daughters.
So sometimes we have rented out another cabin
down the street which more comfortably accommodated our larger family. Anyway, on these vacations the kids have it
all. Beach during the day, movies at
night, their favorite foods prepared for them, the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk,
long rope red licorice. I would assume
they would be in heaven—pure joy. But
what happens is they start fighting with each other and getting angry over the
smallest things.
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| Veruca Salt: "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" |
And what they seem to
want is more and more Peace in the form of doing nothing to help, junk-food,
movies, and laziness. Total
imbalance. So on one vacation I called
them all into the upstairs living room with the orange polka-dot curtains and the
sound of the surf crashing in the distance. I said, “It’s not all about receiving. Your mouths are open so wide but I can’t put
enough 'food' in them to ever make you happy.
You have got to help out here if you want to really be happy. (I was doing all the cleaning and cooking and
serving, etc.). When we are unhappy it
seems like we need to stuff more into our mouths. It seems like we need to rest more. And sometimes that is the case. But think about all the R & R you’re
receiving on this vacation. And you’re
not doing much to help out. I’m doing
all the Cinderella work and you guys are acting like her step sisters. Now if this was expedient—if this was the key
to your happiness and mine—family happiness—then I would surely continue
it. But my taking on all the
responsibility and you taking very little is depriving you of Joy (not to
mention me).” And this talk really did
turn them around. It sunk in. They started to help out more. Within a couple of hours everyone was balanced
again. I had to remind them a few more
times during the remainder of our time there but they were quicker to
hearken. Good kids. : )
Equally important is the realization that Joy isn’t all
giving, giving, giving without receiving either. If no one receives with gladness and
thankfulness, then how can anyone truly give?
Sometimes it seems among a particularly talented community of people
that everyone wants to serve. Very few
are actually receiving the service in gratitude. It’s almost like it’s hitting a wall. Everyone wants to be the one who saves the
day. It’s a good feeling to save the
day. It’s a good feeling to feel our
personal value. But recognizing where I
need to receive is apart of humility, humanity, gratitude and thus apart of Joy (D&C 59:21). If I am in need, does that mean I am of less
value? If others are of value to me, does that reflect badly on me? We were designed with weaknesses
and strengths so we could both receive and give. And this is so we can have Joy.
Note: I actually love the metaphor of Superman. I just think the Real Superman is both super himself and makes superheroes out of us.
So I’ve had to battle against this societal mentality that
the more I serve the more valuable I am. I don’t want to be running around
willy-nilly trying to serve in responsibilities that actually belong to someone
else. I want to be sensitive to my
boundaries. I want to allow people to
serve me when they desire to and when it is appropriate. And be grateful for them. I want to recognize their value to me.
The hard part is when I need to allow my kids to maintain their responsibilities even when they do not
“make their beds” as well as I could or as well as I think I could. ; )
I have found that the following mentality about Value is better:
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| The Widow's Mite |
A = Giving
B = Strength
A is what I give. It is
my sacrifice—what I’m actually doing to help others. B is my capacity to give. It is like my muscular strength and
endurance. I only have so much before I
can’t lift the weight anymore. And if I
want to be able to endure in my ability and especially in my motivation to lift
the weight, I don’t want to start out lifting at my One Rep Max (see President Henry B. Eyring: "The Caregiver").
There are times when I physically need to work beyond the
level that I feel comfortable for a period of time. This is true when I engage in a process for
the first few times and it seems pretty hard--breaking bad habits, creating good habits.
But whenever I have ignored the warning signs that attend me when I
continuously work beyond my strength, I have sustained chronic injuries (D&C 10:4).
The closer to 1 I can get this ratio, the more Joy I experience
and the more Joy my children experience.
When I overdo it, my service turns into grudge-work or martyr-work. I can hide it as much as I like but the vibes
are felt. And Joy is not felt. On the other hand boredom, depression, loneliness is the worst! Striving for the balance between Peace and Energy is striving for
endurance and sustainability. I want to
create habits, relationships, and abilities that I can continue in forever. Joy indicates
where that sweet spot is.
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| "Once Touched Forever Changed" Delores DeVelde |
