When the Kids Leave Home

This summer I went on a road trip to take my youngest son Matthew to college.  I felt so excited for him and this new adventure in his life. As each child leaves home my life changes too. A new adventure begins for me and for everyone else who is still home. It's strange but fascinating.  

I don't dread my kids growing up and leaving home like some mothers do. I admire that kind of mother because she is conveying through those thoughts and feelings all the love she has for her children. I do have the sad moments after they leave when I'm walking through the halls of our home and feeling the empty room symbolizing that a stage in life has passed and will never return. I stay there for a time remembering and thinking about the past and the fact that it's over. Tears come.  

But I can't dwell on the sorrow of separation. There's no hope in that place. I choose to look to God and his plan for me and for my child to help me resolve the conflict this separation presents. I know separation from loved ones is part of his plan so I begin a study journey to learn how God would have me think of it. How would he have me spin this story? 

So this is what I did: I prayed about the issue, studied my scriptures and other good books, and made comparative observations of my own life experiences. I learned to see the actual story like this: just because my son is moving out of my home doesn't mean he's moving out of my heart or my life. We're both embarking on a new facet of our relationship. A new opportunity to improve it, to deepen it. 

When my first two sons left home to go to college or serve missions we began communicating via phone calls, texts, emails, and letters. They had to live with different people and work out the inevitable relationship conflicts. No longer were these conflicts directly with me. I moved back into the position of one of their valued confidants and counselors (because somewhere in their teenage years previous to this they moved me out of it). They were free to make a greater degree of their own choices. I listened to their stories when they called and how they were handling the challenges that came their way.  

I watched and listened. I was interested to see if they would follow what their father and I had taught them or if they would find a different way to accomplish their goals and resolve their conflicts. It has been fascinating to see what they choose. It enables me to observe which of all the things we have taught them have been most valuable to them.

In my nostalgia, I've been looking over the pictures of Matthew from baby to young adult and listening to music like this: "Were You There?" by Paul Cardall 

Transitions or changes like kids leaving home for the first time are few and far between for a mom. Once you begin with a pregnancy, you're on that journey for a very long time. Eighteen years at least.  There are smaller milestones that are passed along the way, but the final goal in this journey is not achieved until they move out. My hope is that by that time they are able to take on the responsibility to care for themselves. Eventually, they will learn to also care for a spouse and a family. My goal has been to train them to be individuals who can develop compatible and sustainable relationships. Their eternal happiness is more important to me than their continual presence in my home. What benefit is it to either of us if we reside in physical proximity to each other if the opportunity cost is sustainable joy? I view their need to leave home as the required journey to obtain that.