Evaluation Accuracy

How we evaluate ourselves, others, and the events of life can prevent us from or assist us in resolving our conflicts and obtaining our desires.

Mother of 5 and Social Worker, LCSW

I asked Wendy Plewe, a social worker (LCSW) who has worked in adoptions as well as counseling for the past 15 years, to write an article on what she considers to be the most important things a woman needs to understand in order to resolve her conflicts and obtain her desires.  I've witnessed Wendy's sincere, calming, and level-headed persona in the classes she teaches so I knew what she had to share would be valuable to us Special Ops Moms.

Wendy begins her answer by cautioning us that we can be too general in evaluating our conflicts.  When we are too general we aren’t applying core principles to our specific situation.

Listen:  "He Said" by Group 1 Crew

She says, “Resolving conflict can be a challenge as each conflict is unique and requires thoughtful perspective as to what the problem really is.” 

Wendy also suggests that differentiating between minor and major conflicts is a key skill in evaluation.

“Conflicted feelings over choosing between two desirable activities is different than conflict over cherished relationships or life changing decisions.”

Listen:  "Need You Now (How Many Times)" by Plumb

In Wendy’s experience as a counselor she has come to realize that we often talk about our specific conflicts without recognizing the deeper issue at our core.  Focusing in on whether the painful feelings inside of us stem from a fear of future sorrow or an imbalanced evaluation of past sorrow enables us to separate out the variables.  In this way we have a better understanding of ourselves and how we tick. 

She writes, “Asking oneself, ‘What am I truly conflicted about?’ is often not what the conflict appears to be on the surface.  For example, you may feel as though life has dealt you an extraordinary amount of challenges and heart ache.  You may be anxious about what the next set back will be or will this ever end.   Is the conflict about the worry of the unknown or a deeper feeling of ‘can I handle one more thing?’ or ‘what am I really supposed to learn from this?  I thought I already learned that.’”

Wendy has noticed that imbalanced evaluation hinders our ability to resolve our conflicts and obtain our desires.

She says it like this, “A common denominator for conflict is the negative self-talk or thinking distortions that downplay our abilities and make us feel that we are not enough. 

“Negative self-talk is what we say inside our minds like

‘I could never do that.’

‘I am not as disciplined/smart/creative as so-and-so’

‘what could I possible offer.’  

“Thinking distortions examples are all-or-nothing thinking, fortune telling, catastrophizing and personalization to name a few.” 

Thinking Distortions = Imbalanced Evaluation

What is All-or-Nothing Thinking?

All-or-nothing thinking is when we believe we have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. We place ourselves, other people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If our performance falls short of perfect, we see ourselves as a total failure.

What is Negative Fortune Telling?

I found the following description of Negative Fortune Telling from an online site called Goalistics.

The Role of Thinking in Depression
How you think plays an important role in depression and in chronic pain management. One type of thinking that is often associated with depression is called “Negative Fortune Telling”. This kind of thinking involves making negative predictions about the future, often with little or no firm evidence. When you are depressed, the future can look terribly bleak. You may predict that things will not work out for you and that you will always feel bad. You may feel certain that your pain problem will never get resolved or that you will not be able to cope. You may assume the worst, and you may feel helpless. In a sense, pessimistic beliefs can give you a “hope phobia.” You may be afraid to hope for a good future, so you may give up. Here are some examples of Negative Fortune Telling.

• “I'm going to turn down all of the holiday invitations. I won't be able to handle any of it.”
• “I'll never find a doctor who can help me.”
• “What’s the use? It’s hopeless anyway.”
• “Trying to get back to work will be a disaster. I just know it.”
• “My family doesn't understand my pain and never will. I give up trying to explain.”
• “I'll never be able to be as athletic as I used to, so there's no use trying.”
• “I am dreading going to physical therapy. It won't do any good.”

If my examples sounded like how you sometimes think, then you may have developed the habit of using Negative Fortune Telling. It is common for people who are depressed to think this way on a regular basis. But, Negative Fortune Telling can create a “self-fulfilling prophecy” – what you fear actually comes true, partly (and unwittingly) by your own doing.  It is a scientific fact that our expectations can influence what we do, which then can affect how things actually turn out. If you always expect the worst, you are stacking the deck against yourself, needlessly.

I am not saying you should be unrealistically hopeful.

I am saying that hope –  when combined with good problem-solving and planning  – is one of the best natural antidotes to depression. If you fear hope itself, you are robbing yourself of an important tool in keeping your spirits up, and in being motivated to make improvements in your life.

Listen:  "Hurricane" by Natalie Grant

What is Catastrophizing?

Catastrophizing is a lot like Negative Fortune Telling.  I found this definition in Psychology Today.

Catastrophizing has two parts: 

Part 1: Predicting a negative outcome.

Part 2: Jumping to the conclusion that if the negative outcome did in fact happen, it would be a catastrophe.

Example

Part 1: Student worries they will fail an exam.

Part 2: Student jumps to the conclusion that failing an exam would be a catastrophe. They imagine that if they were to fail an exam, it would mean they would never be a success in their life.

Counter evidence is that many people who are eventually successful have failed an exam before. And, many types of important exams even offer multiple opportunities to sit them.

What is Personalization?

We can evaluate past events, whether they be successes or failures, by assigning too much responsibility to ourselves and not enough to other causes. We take too much credit for what goes right and wallow in toxic shame when things go wrong.  This is what psychologists call Personalization.

Imbalanced Judging

 Listen:  "Let It Go" by Demi Lovato

Our own imbalanced evaluation is one variable that prevents us from resolving conflicts and obtaining our desires.  When others evaluate us in imbalance, it adds another variable which complicates the situation.

Wendy says, “If we are in a relationship or conflict where the situation reinforces these negative held beliefs then we tend to be defensive. We tend to not be at peace to handle a situation sincerely and with clarity.  We may lash out or be impulsive.”

She goes on to identify what she has found to be the universal desires: peace and guidance.  “Peace and guidance is something, I believe, all universally seek and is what helps us to resolve conflict successfully.”

“Recognizing our UNIVERSAL NEEDS as identified by Gary and Joy Lundberg are key:

'I am of worth.'

'My feelings matter.'

'Someone really cares about me.'”

Listen:  "Slow Down" by Jenny Jordan Frogley

Wendy concludes , “If our thinking is realistic and balanced then we will feel greater peace and optimism and then we will act accordingly!  This Cognitive Behavioral approach to seeing life and handling conflict and obtaining our goals is profound and really works, but requires thoughtful perspective……which requires us to SLOW DOWN and just PAY ATTENTION to our thoughts and feelings and how they influence our behavior.”

2 Nephi 27:23

Over the past few weeks I’ve been hypothesizing that if I could balance my evaluation process (yesterday), it would directly affect my hope for the future (tomorrow) and the balance of my real-time process (today).  Wendy’s experience confirms that hypothesis. 

I write about the evaluation process in Day 6 in the Servant Program.

The Key of Knowledge

How the Knowledge of Day 3 has Helped Me

There was a time in my life when I thought I was useless.  I couldn’t see that what I was doing had any value at all.  And with that perspective I had very little intrinsic motivation to sacrifice.  What was coming out of me was grudge-work (Moroni 7:8).

Listen:  "My Mother My Daughter"

It has helped me to understand that the things I do for my kids everyday are my sacrifice.  It is valuable to be here for them, to make them meals, to do their laundry, to keep the house clean, to listen to them, to talk to them, to read to them, to drive them where they need to go, and to teach them about the solid happiness that comes from making and keeping commitments.  These are some of the things I can do for them to lighten their load.  Understanding that this is a huge part of my life-sacrifice helps me to see the value in these seemingly insignificant everyday tasks. 

Previously my low self-esteem mainly stemmed from the fact that my kids didn’t seem to value what I did for them.  That made me think NO ONE seemed to care that much.  Understanding that my receiving Process is in the West and shouldn’t be turned towards my Children in the East when I’m sacrificing for them has been a key of knowledge that has given me much ability to remain balanced in the face of Children who seem temporarily ungrateful.

First of all, I’m able to recognize they are Children and their ability to value what is truly valuable is still developing.  Someday it will come, but right now I need to endure to the end--to the Result.  I know in most cases I’m going to have  to go through an awful lot of enduring until it does come. 

The way that I want it to come is by my witnessing that they have become Causes who Sacrifice in Balance for their own Children.  I believe it also comes in the form of a more mature evaluation for what has been done for them.  Through my own growth in my adult years, I have come to appreciate what my parents have done for me.  And already my two oldest boys (ages 21 and 19) have begun to mature in both their ability to sacrifice in Balance and their appreciation.  Such a beautiful reward!

Matt 6:3-4

So knowing what it means to not let my left hand (West side) know what my right hand (East side) is doing has given me the strength to be a higher level Balanced Cause for my Children.  Relying on my kids’ evaluation is relying on lower level Balanced Causes for my validation.  And it is not in their best interest nor mine to rely on individuals who are Imbalanced in relation to me for validation. 

It is objectively true that I am more balanced than my Children.  When I am faced with the Imbalanced Processes of others, I can remain at a greater Balance than they can.  My centripetal muscles are more developed than theirs so I don’t swing to the Northwest and to the Northeast in my Response Process as widely as they do.  I still swing.  That is the truth.  But the more knowledge and experience with General Effects I gain, the more powerful those muscles become.

So trusting in my kids to validate me is an unstable thing to do.  If I start doing this as a habit then I subject myself to them in a couple of ways.  The first is that I’m going to want to please them.  If they are pleased with me then I feel Peace.  If they’re not, I will start swinging, which is NW and NE Sorrow for me.  Since their displeasure will most likely include the rejection of Processes that are more Balanced than their own, we can see the accuracy of this type of measurement is low.

Listen:  "Turn! Turn! Turn!"

The second is that if they don’t behave themselves in public—in my social world—then I’m ashamed.  I get it into my head that their Process demonstrates whether I am a good mother or not.  I forget about free agency.  I forget about the time a Child needs to grow, to work it out.  There are always interims.  There are always spaces.  There is always time.   And that’s where learning takes place.  So if my Child is going off the deep end to any degree, I can’t necessarily let this define the value of my sacrifice. 

It is true that if I have neglected to sacrifice in Balance for them that I can mess them up (at least temporarily until our General Cause gets a hold of them).  It is also true that I can abusively Sacrifice for them, doing way too much for them for their own good. 

Luke 13:1-5

But because there are two variables involved:  two people each with their Cause/Child characteristics, I cannot assign the root of their increased/decreased Balance to just one of them.  A variable has the potential to change and to respond differently to stimuli.  When we develop our relationship with our General Cause we are an independent variable in our relationships with others.  When we teach our kids to do the same, we give them a source of strength where we may be weak.

So if I truly desire to know if my sacrifice is Balanced and therefore valuable, I need to trust in the Effects of my General Cause and other Specific Causes that are in alignment with him in regards to me.  That is what defines my sacrifice.  My Imbalanced Child will hopefully increase her Balance over time.  Right now she may not even be receiving and applying my sacrifice so I can’t depend upon her as an accurate measurement of my value.  And, however painful for me,  it is possible that she may never center up.  Even if I continuously sacrifice in Balance throughout the years of her life, I still may not be able to help her find the level of Joy in which she desires to reside.  And that is hard yet it is my responsibility to both my Cause and my Children. 

Butterfly coming out of Chrysalis

I must remember that this work is also my chrysalis.  My goal is to continuously sacrifice in Balance.  And even though the things I would like to change don't seem to be budging, I am the one who is changing.  It’s my muscles, abilities, talents, centripetal strength that increase.  There is no losing.

But here’s the Conflict:  The greater the degree of my sacrifice, the more difficult it is to withstand the neglect and abuse of other Children/Causes.  Even though a child is a Child objectively, she still has a Cause side to her and she uses it to influence me.  The closer a Child/Cause is to my Balance, the harder it is to remain Balanced in sacrifice when she influences me with her Imbalance. 

We interact through Process and Effect in all our relationships.  We need Effects to live.  Bottom line.  We receive them from each other through sacrifice.  So if a greater Cause has to remain steadfast in his Balance in the face of more and more Imbalanced people, the strain of sacrifice becomes immense. 

Watch:  "Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind"

Example:  Our Savior healed a man who was born blind.  At this point in Jesus’ life he wasn’t very popular in society.  In fact, if you said you believed in him you would get kicked out of your synagogue.  Back then your synagogue was your social circle.  It was where you interacted through Process and Effect.  Basically, it was the source of your Joy.  So if you got kicked out, you were left in a very lonely outcast-place.  In short, it was social suicide to stand up for Christ.

So when some of the ruling class—the Pharisees, Jews, priests, scribes, Sadducees—who were the popular leaders of the social scene questioned the blind man’s parents about how he was healed, they said, “We don’t know.  He is of age.  Ask him.”  And this they said because they didn’t want to be kicked out of their synagogue (see John 9).  And this they said because they had never developed their relationship with their General Cause to the point that they could rely upon his Effects to live when other Specific Causes would cast them out. They couldn't become independent variables (2 Nephi 2:26).

Matthew 26:6-13

We can imagine how these kinds of experiences affected Jesus.  He spent his time healing, teaching, providing, interacting, loving, forgiving.  He only gave of himself.  Sacrifice.  Continuous.  He never turned his West side to his Children unless they desired to sacrifice for him (Matthew 26:6-13).   

He also invited them to sacrifice (Matthew 5-7).  He taught them the way to do it.  But he never resorted to force or manipulation to receive his Peace from others.  And God knows he needed it (Luke 9:58)!  But he was shut out by the ruling class and by other classes as well (Isaiah 53:3).  He was required to be a greater level Cause than all of the people around him.  He had to hold his Balance no matter what anyone else did to him or did not do to him.  He had to rely on his Father in Heaven—his General Cause—to provide the Peace he needed.  Only to him could he go to plead for his own needs.

Matthew 26:39

We know that both earthly and heavenly angels administered to him.  One of those earthly administering angels was the blind man whom Jesus healed (watch the video I posted by this image).  He spoke out to the ruling class in defense of our Savior knowing he was stepping from the lonely state of physical blindness into another lonely state of social outcast.  I can't express in words how much I admire that man!

"Frozen" the newest Disney movie

We can never say, “the cold never bothered me anyway!” unless we have developed our relationship with our General Cause (John 7:32-36).  And this is the name of the game.  If we sacrifice in Balance for our Children, we must not rely on their Effects to validate our Process.  Because they reside at a lower level Balance than we do, they are not always going to be happy with the way we sacrifice for them.  Sometimes they will fight hard against us.  Sometimes they will ignore us for so long that we believe our sacrifice is in vain.  The only way we are going to be able to maintain our Balanced  sacrifice is if we turn our West receiving side to our General Cause and our East sacrificing side to our Children (2 Nephi 31:20-21). 

That is how Day 3 helps me in my life.

The following are the Videocasts I've created of The Servant Program for Day 3 (the third level):

Day 3:1

Day 3:2

Day 3:3

Day 3:4

Day 3:5a
Day 3:5b

If you have a hard time understanding these videos, you might want to start with Day 1:1.