A Three Hour Tour

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...[The] passengers set sail that day, 
For a three hour tour, a THREE HOUR TOUR!"

This last August I went to our family reunion in Aptos, California. That’s a little town just below Santa Cruz and Capitola and north of Monterey where, back in the day, my grandparents bought a beach cabin. Being raised in San Jose, CA, my siblings and I grew up going to the beach cabin pretty frequently. This was our second official family reunion since we’ve all grown up and had families of our own.

This time we decided that one of the activities would be a whale watching boat ride in Monterey Bay. I can’t remember whose idea it was originally but I am responsible for organizing the whole thing. Guilty as charged. So when I talked to the skipper on the phone, she told me that people often get sea sick and so we may want to come prepared with the appropriate anti-seasickness meds. I informed everyone of this possibility and also purchased the meds myself (pharmacist recommended), which turned out to be plenty for everyone who wanted to take them.

When the day for the boat ride came, we all drove down to Monterey, parked, and walked along Fisherman's Wharf to get to the dock where all the boats were. Such a cool pier lined with restaurants that serve hot clam chowder and fresh baked bread as well as a bunch of other tourist shops. So far this was looking like a great idea!

We paid for our 3 hour tour and then boarded the boat. All of us taking the meds, took them then. After much instructions, which included how and where to throw up, we were off. The first 30 minutes were fine. We were all out on the deck looking at the seals on the rocks and the shoreline getting further and further away. I was on the front deck with a lot of others from our group. We started getting splashed a little too much when the wind picked up. The waves became more choppy, which caused the boat to rock and roll a little too intensely. Everyone standing in the bow of the boat was instructed to go inside the cabin to reduce this effect. So we did. But most of us weren’t sitting there for longer than 2 minutes before we couldn’t handle it anymore. Nausea hit. We all headed out to the back deck, holding on to whatever we could because the boat was still rocking so much.

I stayed on the back deck for the rest of the ride. About 50% of our group got sick. Matthew and Laura (my son and daughter) threw up over the side of the boat. Matthew repeatedly. Chris (my other son) was fine. I was sick but I didn’t throw up, probably because of the meds. I think the meds were actually making me feel worse. I was cold too. We had stopped by Walmart on our way to Monterey and bought a few heavy sweatshirts because they said it would get pretty cold out on the water. I was standing in one spot on the deck near the side of the boat in a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood up. I was shaking pretty bad and trying to deal with the constant upchucking feeling. There was nothing I could do to make this trial go away. A few others were suffering but I couldn’t help them anymore than they could help me. There were two more hours left on the boat. I had no one to blame. I’m the one who planned the whole thing. I was in fact responsible but the cause was inexperience. I didn’t know how bad it would be. I didn’t even know if any of us would get sick. I was fine on Lake Powell boats but apparently not fine on this boat.

What was going on on the inside.

I had no desire or inclination to blame it on anyone. Yet I couldn’t just exist in that terrible state without starting on some kind of conflict resolution process. My brother Will and all his kids were fine. He was walking all around the boat, changing places often. He suggested I try this as a resolution process. But moving just made it worse for me. So I just stood there shivering. But internally, spiritually I was actively reaching up to God in prayer. I told him I could do nothing to make my situation any better. I had two hours to endure and I was unable to do that on my own.  I asked him to help me. I just focused my mind on him and stayed with him. I could feel him with me, comforting me. Tears were streaming down my face, not because of the pain, but because it was so apparent I wasn’t bearing this burden alone. I didn’t want anyone else to feel sorry for me so I tried to keep my face relatively hidden. I knew that the only sympathy that would make any real difference for me would be the Lord’s. Chris came over and put his arms around me for a bit. That was soooo sweet of him. I don’t know if it’s just me or if everyone is like this, but I needed my main line of support to come from inside me—from that place where I always feel the Lord’s presence. So even as my body was racked with so much turmoil, it was like I was somehow separated from it to a certain extent, standing outside of it, removed from it. Wave after wave of nausea was matched with wave after wave of this unbelievable love. A microcosm of peace and comfort in a macrocosm of stress and panic.

What was going on on the outside.

It makes me love my Savior incredibly intensely when he saves me like that. I don’t often get myself into situations where there is nothing I can do to save myself but pray and reach for His atoning sacrifice in faith. At least I don’t often look at my conflicts like that. It was pretty much all grace and very little works. I usually am more than willing to do whatever I can when there are conflicts to be resolved. Perhaps I’m even imbalanced to that side—trying to do too much, putting all my efforts into figuring out how to actually get off the boat and out of the tough situation when faith in Christ while I have to endure the situation for a time is the answer.

We did see whales and other sea creatures. They were neat-o. But feeling like I did, I really didn’t care about any neat-o things. “Oh another whale. Nice. Okay, how long do we have left?”  

When we finally got back to the dock, we all started feeling better immediately. We disembarked and headed for the car, but lo and behold, all the restaurants were giving taster cups of their clam chowder. So we bought a bread bowl of it and all my kids and I shared it as we explored the pier. Now that was neat-o! So warm after shivering for so long. We will never forget this adventure. I will never do it again.

So there are other conflicts that have arisen in my life that are similar to this. I find myself in situations over which I have no control. Maybe I’m the one who got myself into them in the first place. That’s usually the case. But most of the time I have had no idea it was going to turn into such a rocking and rolling upchucking experience. When I compare my experience on the 3 Hour Tour Whale Watching Boat Ride with these other experiences, I am able to more accurately identify how to resolve conflicts like these.

First, I need to identify the source of comfort that is most powerful to me. This should be someone I trust and with whom I have developed a very close relationship. This is a person who knows me well and loves me so that He’s able to evaluate when I am not myself during a conflict. He knows I’m not always in a bad mood. He knows I don’t always respond to situations like I’m responding to this one. This is the person I go to unload all of my personal struggles, irritations, frustrations, and feelings of insecurity. I don’t take this relationship for granted by just using it as a place to dump. It’s usually a relationship of love, appreciation, admiration, attraction, respect, and Joy. So when I go through times when I have to wrinkle my nose, complain, and express how upset I am, He is well aware that the trial I’m going through must be very intense.

Second, if I do talk to others about the problem, I need to keep the communication objective. I talk to them in order to objectively resolve the conflict. But unfortunately, I don’t always keep it objective. On the boat, I knew there was no one else to whom I could go “to hear my soul’s complaint.” That was very plain. But when I have other life-conflicts, sometimes I try unloading on other people. Because I need their objective help to resolve the conflict, they are usually eager to help me deal with all of the emotional baggage I’m carrying as well. But the issue is, it ends up feeling like I’m violating someone else’s privacy when I do that. Often times it’s not a rocking and rolling boat that is making me feel like I want to puke. It’s a rocking and rolling relationship with another person.

So in order for my objective helpers to comfort me, I have to basically describe the cause of my conflict to them, which is the other person’s behavior and how it’s making me feel, how it’s making me react when I don’t want to react that way. I end up feeling like I have to justify why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. It becomes a subjective analysis rather than an objective analysis. A blame game. A game of who is right and who is wrong. That just intensifies the conflict for me. I need someone who knows exactly what is going on behind the scenes because it is behind the scenes that I predominantly live. It is tempting to seek for comfort and support from others but just like on the boat, while I sincerely appreciate their support, it is never enough for me. I have to go to that one person I trust the most. He is the person I rely on above all others. Over an extended period of time I have developed a relationship with him that I have come to depend upon implicitly. I want to hear his opinions. I want his presence. I don’t want to do anything in my relationships with other people to make my relationship with Him rock and roll so that he would rather be anywhere else than with me. I don’t want him to be counting the minutes left before this whole Boat Ride Relationship with me will be over.

Oh, it’s so hard for me to give “just the facts!”

“O wretched [wo]man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.” ~2 Nephi 4:17-19

The cool thing about trials is if I can just shut up and take it, let others evaluate me in Pride and Envy despite my sincere intentions to do good to them without turning and reviling again in Pride and Envy, and go to my Savior alone for my comfort and support, I will be able to feel his love in that intense amazing way that I did on the boat.  And that love is more intense than what I experience when everything is hunky-dory.

"And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; that ye do not revile against those who do cast you out because of your exceeding poverty [or because of your reaction to whatever weaknesses and sins which do so easily beset you], lest ye become sinners like unto them; But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions." ~Alma 34:40-41

Why Children Need Their Agency to Grow

Recently, I took care of a little 4-year-old girl for a couple of weeks. She’s the daughter of a young woman I taught in church, who is now 32 and a mom. She has been a close family friend since she was twelve years old.  She and her daughter are staying with us for a few months until she gets back on her feet. In many ways, I feel like I’m playing the grandma role. My interactions with her are definitely more grandma in nature than the mom I used to be when I had kids that age. As I reflect upon the changes in my temperament and abilities, I'm coming to the conclusion that my younger motherhood years were training years. I was like an apprentice. Having seen the journey of a child from birth to young adulthood, I have a more complete perspective of the different stages she goes through. And that gives me greater faith when dealing with fleeting misbehaviors. I know the behaviors won't endure and I also know that my own response to them plays a huge role in my own ability to bear them as well as in teaching the child by example how parents paradoxically sacrifice for their children. After many years of being away from that very difficult training period in my life, I am thankful for the experience and personal guidance from my Savior which have given me greater understanding of the relationship between a parent and a child and the natural conflicts that arise.

I've always loved the scripture in Isaiah that describes the learning process as "precept upon precept, line upon line, here a little, and there a little." Here is the exact scripture:

"Whom shall he teach knowledge? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine?...For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little." ~Isaiah 28:9-10

My own parents weren't always patience with me as a child. They had their own struggles and were still trying to work them out as do most parents. Consequently, patience was not one of my strengths upon entering my own parent-apprenticeship. However, because I wanted so badly to be patient, I turned to God and asked him to teach me how. He has answered my prayers. He taught me precept upon precept, line upon line, here a little, and there a little. Over the course of many years, I've had to learn how to be patient with myself, knowing He is being patient with me. Now that I am nearing the grandma years, I do indeed have more patience.

In taking care of my friend's 4-year-old daughter, I’ve been watching myself to assess the reason I’m responding to her so patiently. I’ve noticed that I now have an overall rule governing my thoughts and actions to strive as much as possible to honor her agency - her right to choose for herself. There are a number of family/home/safety rules she must keep but if her choice to do something doesn’t break one of those rules, I allow her to continue doing it.  While I'm in charge of her, if she doesn’t want to eat all her food, she doesn’t have to. If she doesn’t like something I give her, she doesn’t have to eat it. If she wants a band-aid or a piece of gum, why not?  If she wants to sit on my lap, hop on. If she wants to get down and do something else, off you go. If she is curious about something in my office, if it is safe, let her see it and handle it. I answer her questions about it but don’t go overboard with the answer. I tell her what she wants to know. She determines how much that is. If she wants to use the Swiffer to help me sweep the floor, go for it. If she wants to take the mop from me and do it herself, okay. No reason to stifle the desire to clean when it’s actually there. 

The following song emphasizes this governing rule to allow a child to make her own choices. The lyrics say, "This is your life. What 'cha gonna do?...The choices you make say what you are and who..." Listen: "This is Your Life" by Francesca Battistelli

When I honor a child's right to choose, I tell her yes. I let her make the choice. And when a child is given that choice often enough she senses the love in that. She may not be able to analyze it like I do, but she feels it. Every child knows that she has agency - the God-given gift to choose. I believe children learn to honor the rules we ask them to keep when we honor their agency rule as much as we can.

The movie Miracle Worker by Walt Disney is a retelling of the Helen Keller story. Helen was born seeing and hearing but at 19 months old contracted an unknown illness later thought to be scarlet fever or meningitis which left her blind and deaf for the rest of her life.  When Helen was 7 years old, Anne Sullivan was hired to teach and train her. Helen had acquired a number of bad habits because her parents, in their pity, had not set enough boundaries for her to enable Helen's relationships with her family to be compatible and sustainable. Anne first trained Helen to stop eating off of other people’s plates, eating with her hands, pinching, hitting, or hurting people when she wanted something, throwing things across the room, and collapsing on the floor screaming and kicking when she didn’t get her way. Anne was just beginning to get through to Helen. She was able to help Helen stop the tantrums and other undesirable behaviors but she hadn’t been able to fully teach her about her gift of agency. Helen’s father was satisfied with a more well-behaved, clean daughter. He wasn't interested in Helen's further progression, but Anne was. In the movie, Anne said to him, “I taught Helen one thing. 'No.' Don't do this, don't do that. I wanted to teach her ‘yes’."

When children are habitually out of control, it’s difficult to honor their agency. Because of Helen’s disability, she had developed some pretty bad habits. Those had to be “treated” first in order for her agency to be fully honored. I believe this is why the scriptures tell us to repent first "for the kingdom of heaven is at hand". I see the kingdom of heaven being the Holy Ghost and the angels who stand ready to teach and train each of us. Like Helen, we cannot see or hear them, yet we can sense them. But we won't want to listen to them and indeed can't hear them until we repent of the behaviors we know do not lead to compatible sustainable relationships.

 "Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." ~ Matthew 3:2

When I was caring for the 4-year-old girl one day, I made the mistake of giving her some kid-scissors to cut some string she was playing with. When I wasn’t looking, she snuck away and used them to cut her hair. While it wasn’t the end of the world that her bangs were a little shorter, I should probably have thought through some privileges a bit more before giving them. Children also have the tendency to take advantage of the agency we give them. They’re not doing it to spite us any more than we’re doing it to spite God when we take advantage of the agency he gives us. Most of us are just exploring our universe, seeing where the boundaries are, and seeing what happens when we make certain choices. We’re all a bunch of scientists.

I brought the scissor-event up to identify the boundaries of the agency rule.  It’s not love if we give them too many choices. This was shown with Helen Keller's parents spoiling her out of pity. The wise parent and grandparent looks for the balance. We can be overly controlling with our rules and boundaries or we can be underly controlling. We find that middle ground through our own scientific experiments and the guidance of the Holy Ghost.

Beautiful

A few years ago I was increasing my focus on self-improvement.  I was interested in becoming more beautiful to my Savior.  Whenever I work on developing my talents I’m motivated by the desire to draw closer to Him.  That’s the reason I want to be the best I can possibly be.  I know “sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven” (“Praise to the Man”).  If you read my blog regularly you know that for me sacrifice includes finding greater balance in my physical body, eliminating the fat, increasing the muscle mass and flexibility so that I am healthy and fit.  It’s about disciplining my body against my natural woman's desires. Avoid junk food, treats, and overeating.  Exercise within my zone consistently—not too little, but not too much either.  Get enough water and rest.  Keep the commitments I make.  Take time every day to shower, get dressed, put on my make up, do my hair.  Spend time studying the scriptures and then figuring out how to apply the principles I’m reading about to all my relationships. I know that in the past when I have consistently engaged in this sacrifice process I have become acutely aware of the presence of the Lord in my life.  That’s what I want.

“I believe when a woman chooses to have Christ at the center of her own heart, at the nucleus of her personal world, she brings the Lord into the core of her home and family, be it a family of one or a family of many.” ~Anne C. Pingree

“The unmarried woman [and the married woman!] careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit:” ~1 Corinthians 7:34

“This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.” ~Galations 5:16-17

Looking Beyond the Mark
So I had been working on this and making pretty good progress.  I was striving to keep these commitments daily.  But never fails that whenever I up my sacrifice level, temptation conversely increases.  I am tempted to look for other forms of evidence (besides the Mark--my proximity to the Lord) that things are really improving.  I am tempted to compare myself to others to see how beautiful I’m really becoming.  It’s almost unconscious. That year, when I was working on physical self-improvement, I was also working on spiritual self-improvement so I didn’t fully accept the temptations but it took me a little bit of time to identify them for what they were and then make an active decision to kick them out of my head.  

I went to a women’s conference at BYU in Provo, Utah with my best friends from high school. Thousands of women come anally from all over to attend this event.  As I was walking around campus, I could not help but notice there were so many beautiful women!  “What the heck?” a voice in my head said.  “It looks like you will never win.”  I began to think I was nothing compared to these other women, both physically and spiritually.  The tempter then pointed out other women to me who appeared to be presently losing the battle of the bulge or were further back in their journey in some other way and suggested that I compare myself to them to feel better about my results.  All this was semi-unconscious.  

“And [the devil] saith unto [Jesus], All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.” ~Matthew 4:9

“Please, my beloved brothers and sisters, we must stop comparing ourselves to others. We torture ourselves needlessly by competing and comparing. We falsely judge our self-worth by the things we do or don’t have and by the opinions of others. If we must compare, let us compare how we were in the past to how we are today—and even to how we want to be in the future. The only opinion of us that matters is what our Heavenly Father thinks of us. Please sincerely ask Him what He thinks of you. He will love and correct but never discourage us; that is Satan’s trick.” ~Elder J. Devn Cornish

Resolving Conflicts
When I got home from the conference, I went for a long walk. I like to pray when I’m walking and discuss whatever I’m in conflict about with the Lord. The topic of this prayer was beauty and value.  I could feel His censure for the comparison thoughts I had had.  When I entertained them I felt more distant from him. I separated myself from the thoughts and asked him how I was supposed to be the best I could possibly be when it was evident that I was never going to be as beautiful as some women. Those were just the facts. Genetically I have been given certain limitations. I’m never going to be model-perfect. In short (no pun intended), I’m never going to be Miss America no matter how balanced I can become. Spiritually, we can all become beautiful like Christ because of his atonement but our community doesn't seem to value the quieter gifts of God, so why even try?

The answer I received was that beauty, in His eyes, wasn’t determined by my beauty as it compared to some arbitrary standard. He was not holding up Miss America or Miss High-powered Career Psychologist and expecting me to rival these women. But he did want me to continue striving for my personal physical and spiritual best. Seeking to become the spiritual master of my body is of God.  Consistently living that way, as well as the results from that kind of living, please him.  A healthy fit body and a clear and intelligent mind are good indicators that we are successfully caring and developing the talents God has given us. However, I understood that he wanted me to master my self-perception while I was working on developing my talents. I needed to face questions like: Did I play the pride and envy game? Did I only think I could be my best when I thought I was better than others? Was I motivated and conversely deflated by comparing my level of beauty and talent to others’?

The desire to know we are valuable is a good thing. Comparing myself to others to assess my value was where I was getting off track. Sister Julie B. Beck said it well in the following quote:

“Good women always have a desire to know if they are succeeding. In a world where the measures of success are often distorted, it is important to seek appreciation and affirmation from proper sources. To paraphrase a list found in Preach My Gospel, we are doing well when we develop attributes of Christ and strive to obey His gospel with exactness. We are doing well when we seek to improve ourselves and do our best. We are doing well when we increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek out and help others who are in need. We know we are successful if we live so that we qualify for, receive, and know how to follow the Spirit. When we have done our very best, we may still experience disappointments, but we will not be disappointed in ourselves. We can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when we feel the Spirit working through us. Peace, joy, and hope are available to those who measure success properly.” ~Julie B. Beck

Two Kinds of Beauty
There are two kinds of beauty; balancing them is the key. The first is to fulfill my responsibility to take care of myself physically and spiritually. We nourish our talents and strengthen them. Spiritual balance is derived from striving for physical balance within my zone.  The Lord lets us know when he is pleased with our results. When my awareness of his presence increases, I know he is pleased. My task after returning from the women's conference was to put my trust in that reward and form of validation. I needed to let go of the constant question in my mind: Am I good enough?

He wanted me to stop the comparisons altogether, to remove myself from the picture, and focus on the beauty of others when I was with them. My own goals and results are judged separately from theirs. When I am among other people, it is not the time to think about myself, my beauty, my talents. It is time to forget myself and use those talents to love and uplift others. For example, when I read books by Jane Austen or Georgette Heyer, I love them! They are brilliant. I am so thankful for their existence. If they didn't develop the talents they did and share them with us, I would not have the joy of reading them. The same is true with Amy Grant and her music. I've been singing her songs (with her) in my kitchen, in the car, and on my walks for years. She has been such a source of strength for me. Her music has helped me through many tough times. I am so thankful for her! If I can love these women and admire their talents, can I not love other women of talent who I associate with more closely?  

My responsibility is to let them know that I appreciate them.  If they look beautiful, act beautiful, or demonstrate beautiful in any way, I am to praise it, be thankful for it, and admire it. When I do, I feel love for them. They actually become a treat for me to see, associate with, listen to, and evaluate. When love flows inside my heart, I feel the Savior’s presence at an intensity level that brings me joy.

“If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.” ~Article of Faith 13

Timing and Accountability
I evaluate my results privately with my Savior during our prayer meetings in which we review and report on our commitments. Value is assessed by the commitments I have kept compared to the commitments I have made. It is assessed by how much I’m actually implementing what I know to be true. It’s assessed by how much I’m receiving compared with how much I’m sacrificing. The more I sense the presence of the Lord in my daily life, the less I need to turn to other sources for my comfort and validation. Looking to conflicting sources for my validation is taking his name in vain. The more he is with me, the higher my level of accountability.

“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.” ~Deuteronomy 5:11

“None of us will ever be 'good enough,' save through the merits and mercy of Jesus Christ, but because God respects our agency, we also cannot be saved without our trying. That is how the balance between grace and works works.” ~Elder J. Devn Cornish

Opportunity Costs
I realize that I can’t progress in the development of my spiritual and physical talents if I judge myself and others with pride and envy. I can't use this form of judgment to assess my value or motivate myself to be better. Judging like this prevents me from being able to love from my heart. Instead, I experience hatred for others. And when I hate, I don’t like myself very much. The Lord cannot be with me when I hate. Rather than develop my talents to higher levels, I would rather plateau and retain my charity—His presence. The challenge becomes stripping myself of all pride and envy thoughts, words, and actions, which are blocking my awareness of my true value.

I Hope You Dance

For the past eleven years I’ve been studying Jesus Christ almost as if it were my full time job. It hasn’t been so focused on memorizing trivial details or figuring out the exact timeline of the events of his life. Neither has it been focused on proving that the Gospels sync up or other arguable facts. It’s been more about trying to figure out his character. I’ve wanted to know who it is that I say I worship. And I’ve wanted to know why and how he did the things he did.

It’s been an amazing journey. The more I study him, the more I get him. I should say, the more He has allowed me to understand him. One of my favorite songs that I sing a lot in reference to how I feel about our Redeemer is “Nothing Compares 2U.”   But I have found that I’ve been wrong about no one else comparing.  Most do not but there are some who have some of his qualities and characteristics, thankfully!

Christ-like Characteristics
One of the side effects from my studies that I hadn't anticipated was that I notice his characteristics in other people, especially men. And when I do, something happens to my heart. It is involuntary. Observing people is voluntary but when I see a quality of Christ in them (which I confess is what I’m looking for), the rest is involuntary. I admire them. It pours out of my heart. Sometimes it’s more intense than others. I can’t help it.  I don’t have expectations of any return admiration or love. In fact I prefer to quietly honor them and just figuratively shake my head and say in my head, “Wow!  So amazingly beautiful!” It’s something I can’t really go up and tell them about because it is so powerful and, I believe, sacred. My hope is that it is somehow communicated to them spiritually and anonymously. At least that is what I pray for.

Sometimes I find the opportunity to communicate my opinion to them in an appropriate way. I do this because I know it’s hard to develop His characteristics. I want them to know they are definitely being noticed and are making a difference.  Yet, I know they are not being that way to get noticed.  “That’s what makes you beautiful!” If they were, it would kind of defeat the whole purpose. If I saw they were doing it just to 'be seen of men', my heart wouldn’t do anything. I admire when they use their strengths to help others because they sincerely care as Christ does for them. What my heart does is a confirmation, a validation. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one whose heart behaves in this way. 

It works like this: If they really are what I think they are then they will feel what I and others feel for them. If they are not, then my projected admiration passes them by and goes directly to our Savior.

“Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.” ~Matthew 6:1-4

“But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only” ~James 1:22

Chris (rt) returning home, Aaron (lft) already returned, Matthew mission in progress now

RMs
I’m finding that one group of people my heart is especially susceptible to is return missionaries. More often than not my heart does what it does when I observe one of them. When my own sons (the two oldest) came home from their missions, I was so impressed with them. They became men out there. And by that I mean men of God. Men of Christ.

“…arise from the dust, my sons, and be men” ~2 Nephi 1:21

"Our missionaries serving throughout the world are beautiful examples of those who are truly ambitious for Christ." ~Elder Kazuhiko Yamashita, "Be Ambitious for Christ"

There is something about a young man who sacrifices two years of his life to serve the Lord and help others. They have His image in their countenance. It’s this look in their eyes that is confident (not prideful!) and humble (not shameful!) at the same time. Their focus is outward on others, not on themselves, yet they are also open to receiving the blessings others have to offer.

“Have ye received his image in your countenances?” ~Alma 5:14



David Archuleta is a prime example of the type of young man I'm talking about. He had established a lucrative musical career at a young age but he decided to put that on hold while he served a mission. I've watched a few videos of him on his mission and since he's returned. He has continued to use his talent to bless others but somehow he has avoided being corrupted by the pride of the world.  That in itself is one of the most beautiful feats I have ever seen.

Steadfastness
I believe the cause of Christ's image being in the countenance of these young men is because of their sacrifice. They spend these two years forgetting their life, serving the Lord, and loving the people. They endure a lot of rejection and disappointment but line upon line, they learn how to stay steadfast in Christ and love through it all. When they sacrifice like that they become beautiful. They can't help it.  

For our Savior, it didn’t matter what the scribes and Pharisees said or did to him. He just kept doing what his Father instructed him to do. This is one of my favorite qualities in him. One example of this is healing on the Sabbath. That act made the Jewish leadership very angry because they had created many detailed encumbering rules about keeping the Sabbath day holy which conflicted with God's laws. But he just kept doing it. 

Another example of standing steadfast is his common association with publicans and sinners, which the Jewish leadership didn’t like much either. They stayed away from such people and prided themselves on their self-exalted status. But our Savior continued his association with them anyway. It caused the higher ranking groups of his society to reject him, persecute him, and want to eliminate him. But he kept walking the pathway his Father laid out for him.

“Therefore, I would that ye should be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works, that Christ, the Lord God Omnipotent, may seal you his…” ~Mosiah 5:15

I Hope You Dance
My hope for my own sons and all of these other men of Christ who are getting home from their missions is that they won’t let that fire die out. I don’t want them to grow old and fat and boring and become spiritual dull slugs (#King Noah).

“Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed.” ~Isaiah 6:10

This past week I've been listening to this song called, “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack. That song pretty much sums up my hope for these boys/men (man-cubs).  And I spin the lyrics “I hope you dance” to mean:  I hope you will continue sacrificing, growing, and becoming more like Christ over time so that you can continue being the best thing ever for your (future) wives, children, and your communities.  I hope you don’t involve yourself in anything that will stunt your growth. I hope you see repentance as a gift and an opportunity, not an accusation.  I hope you will keep your balance in confidence and humility and always work to stay away from pride and envy. I hope you will maintain your allegiance to Christ when the going gets tough or when the going gets pretty boring, instead of turning to other things that could enslave you in the end. I hope you never lose sight of your mission goals even though you have to be concerned with making a living now and other temporal things. My prayers and my heart are with you. Stay beautiful!

Time, Why You Punish Me?

Like a wave crashing into the shore 
You wash away my dreams. 
Time, why you walk away? 
Like a friend with somewhere to go 
You left me crying
~Hootie & the Blowfish

Most of us don’t have a problem with time when things are going well.  If we are in a place with those we love and who love us and we're physically healthy, we’re good with letting time take as long as it wants.  In fact we want times like these to go on forever.

The issue with time is when it is requiring us to sacrifice--to go without something we need or want.  It is when we’re separated from those we love or are subject to being with people we don’t get along with.  It’s when things aren’t going our way.

So the question is, “Time, why you punish me?”

We all know the answer.  

"Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: ‘All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, … purifies our hearts … and makes us more tender and charitable, … and it is through … toil and tribulation, that we gain the education … which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.’  These purifying trials bring us to Christ, who can heal us and make us useful in the work of salvation.” ~Neill F. Marriott, “What Shall We Do?” 

"We are all acquainted with other kinds of mortal opposition not caused by our personal sins, including illness, disability, and death. President Thomas S. Monson explained: Some of you may at times have cried out in your suffering, wondering why our Heavenly Father would allow you to go through whatever trials you are facing. …Our mortal life, however, was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father…knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each one of us experiences dark days when our loved ones pass away, painful times when our health is lost, feelings of being forsaken when those we love seem to have abandoned us. These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure.” ~Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “Opposition in All Things”

"In teaching the principle that mortal life can be agonizing but our hardships have eternal purpose—even if we do not understand it at the time—Elder Holland said, ‘You can have what you want, or you can have something better.’” ~Elder Donald L. Hallstrom, “I Am a Child of God”

"There are heartbreaks when circumstances are very different from what we had anticipated.” ~Elder Donald L. Hallstrom, “I Am a Child of God”

In order to learn, grow, and become absolutely beautiful we must endure adversity for a time.  But the question of every intelligent being is, “How long?”  Because we understand the above principle, we can and will endure adversity.  We have no choice if we want what we want, except to give up what we want.  

This learning and growing process is symbolized in the 2015 Cinderella movie when her fairy-god-mother turns her older dress that belonged to her mom into the new bright blue one. But we have to do more than just turn in circles while our “fairy-god-mother” does all the work. That’s a little too heavy on grace and not enough works. Yet the bright blue dress symbolizes what Cinderella was already doing throughout her life despite the adversity—“Have courage and be kind.”  I mean who would Cinderella be without all the trials she was required to endure?  What kind of princess and queen would she become if she had not learned to have courage and be kind when it seemed like all was lost?  How would she have learned what true kindness was if she wasn’t tempted to give up these values when she was treated with unkindness or when she was experiencing pain?

But how long do we have to endure the unkindness, the separation from loved ones, the hard times, the pain and sorrow, the longing, the needing?  We know we can’t say when that time will end.  We can’t say, “I will only endure this adversity until next Spring and then I’m done.”  For some reason that doesn’t work in our relationship with God.  He doesn’t like it.  I bet it’s because it sounds like we’re demanding that he bless us and when he should bless us, as if he were our servant.  I think it crosses over to an attitude of entitlement, which really isn’t synonymous with having courage and being kind.

No, I think we have to give it all to our Heavenly Father. We say, “Thy will be done.” We can’t assume time “ain’t no friend of mine.” We can’t assume it’s just “wasted time.” How could having courage and being kind become a sustainable characteristic inside of us if we were the ones to decide when enough is enough?  Is it something we’re just pretending to do or something we do when we’re sure of the reward?  We have to be willing to do it in faith throughout incrementally tougher conditions that seem to suggest God has forsaken us.  Conditions that suggest that we will never obtain those loving relationships or a healthy body that make us want time to go on forever.  It’s not so much about what we’re going to receive, even though we surely will receive it.

“But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” ~1 Corinthians 2:9

It’s more about who we will become. Who do we want to become? What kind of person?  And is there anything in the world—any kind of adversity or temptation that will convince us to change that goal?  I mean, when the heat of adversity and temptation gets hot, will we turn into a selfish weasel that manipulates others or sneaks around behind closed doors inappropriately to get what we want?  Will we stop having courage and being kind?  Will we make our kindness dependent on the kindness of others?  Will we say, “I’ll be kind only if they are?”

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you...For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?” ~Matthew 5:44-48

But even though I know all this, I still want to know: “Time, how long will you punish me?”  The answer I hear is:  As long as you hold on to this Desire of yours.  Are you willing to endure through time to obtain it?  Or will the waiting period be too much so that you are happier with a lesser Desire that won’t take as much time and thus adversity?  

For those of us who have already tried that lesser pathway, all we can basically say to our Savior is: “Nothing compares 2 U” and “To whom shall we go?  Thou hast the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).  “After tasting of your fruit, every other Desire can’t seem to hold a candle. So I'm in for life...for eternity.”

"Understandably, many have expressed that our Father’s promised blessings are just 'way too far away,' particularly when our lives are overflowing with challenges. But Amulek taught that 'this life is the time … to prepare to meet God.' It is not the time to receive all of our blessings. President Packer explained, ‘And they all lived happily ever after’ is never written into the second act. That line belongs in the third act, when the mysteries are solved and everything is put right.'  However, a vision of our Father’s incredible promised blessings must be the central focus before our eyes every day—as well as an awareness 'of the multitude of his tender mercies' that we experience on a daily basis.” ~Linda S. Reeves, “Worthy of Our Promised Blessings”

I just think that second and third acts are about TIME.  I don’t think I have to wait until I die for that third act to be the story of my life.  That seems a little too heavy with grace.  Just wait till I die and everything gets better.  I know that's true for some unchangeable aspects of my physical health and other physical things, but I think I am continually going through spiritual first, second, and third acts incrementally, progressively. Mysteries are incrementally solved.  Things are gradually being put right in my understanding as I keep striving, experiencing, and listening for guidance.  I’m a firm believer that eternity is now as well as after we die and before we came to live here by the very definition of the word.

In response to my "How long?" question, I hear the Lord saying to me as he did to Peter, “If you love me, feed my sheep” (John 21:15-17) or as he said to all the people, “If you love me keep my commandments” (John 14:15).  Now paraphrasing:  “If you love me, love others. This is keeping my commandment. Love them even if they don’t love you first.  Love them as if they were me.  Have courage and be kind to everyone.  Let that be your focus instead of focusing on when adversity will all come to an end.  And I promise you, between me and them you will have the relationships that make you want time to go on forever.”



That's definitely more directed towards us women so here's the same kind of symbolic transition of a man.



“Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” ~Matthew 22:36-40

“Then said I: Lord, how long? And he said: Until the cities be wasted without inhabitant, and the houses without man, and the land be utterly desolate;” ~2 Nephi 16:11