When we make a choice to entertain certain thoughts or
consume certain substances, there is an Opportunity Cost.
An Opportunity Cost is: the loss of potential gain from other
alternatives when one alternative is chosen.
It is the value of the best alternative choice forgone.
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| Elder Dallin H. Oaks: "Good, Better, Best" |
There are some processes, people, and substances we could
combine with, that when chosen actually prevent us from being able to engage in
other processes or combine with other people and substances. Thus there are real Opportunity Costs in our
choices. When we combine with some processes, people, and
substances over an extended period of time, they actually affect
our Desire to combine with others. We don't want to do certain activities. We don't want to hang out with certain people. And we don't want to partake of certain substances. This can be good or bad depending on the Opportunity Cost.
For instance, when I was in college I used to go to the
laundry mat which was next door to my apartment building and buy candy bars out
of the vending machine there. They were
delicious to me. When I ate an apple
during that time in my life it tasted like cardboard.
No flavor. I wasn't happy with the shape I was in at that time and in general didn't feel too good about myself.
Around my
sophomore or junior year, I became more conscious of nutrition. I learned more about how to take care of my
body so I stopped eating the candy bars and started making healthier food choices.
That’s when I found out how delicious an apple could be. I remember walking home next to the creek
that ran along the south side of campus after playing racquetball. I had purchased an apple from a vending
machine and was munching it as I walked.
Delightful! And it dawned on me
that eating candy bars had an Opportunity Cost.
It actually dulled my taste buds so healthy foods that were naturally sweet didn’t taste so sweet to me.
So there are some other things that behave similarly. For instance, in marriage, if I entertained
thoughts of other men or old boyfriends, however mildly, I basically gave up the
opportunity to develop my relationship with my husband. Sometimes marriages can get pretty
boring. We take each other for granted
after a while. Yet we still need a
relationship of Sustainable Attraction.
Some part of us inherently knows this.
If we do not believe that this can be obtained within our marriage, we
may be unconsciously trying to obtain it in alternative ways. Women tend to think about other men or old
boyfriends. The thoughts are usually
platonic (intimate and affectionate but not sexual). We think about a past relationship where the attraction
never ended on our side. We imagine that
boy finally coming back to us and finding us attractive. At least those thoughts came floating into my
mind when apathy seeped into my marriage and I didn’t know how to resolve it.
One day I was pondering on the thoughts themselves. I think I had a dream that an old high school
flame was attracted to me and I was wondering why it packed so much intensity
of feeling. The thoughts would never
lead to any kind of Result because as a good Mormon girl there’s no way the
thought to act upon them ever even crossed my mind. Yet for some reason I wasn’t actively
deleting them.
I entertained them because they were interesting. That’s when I began to
understand that spending my thinking time and feelings on these things had an
Opportunity Cost. I realized that if I ever wanted to redevelop the real thing in my own
marriage, I had to delete the alternative thoughts. They were like sparks of excitement that never got me any closer to
obtaining Sustainable Attraction in marriage. (Read: 2 Nephi 7:11)
And here’s the thing:
Obtaining Sustainable Attraction starts in our thoughts. What we think influences the way we
feel. If we control our thoughts to
focus on our spouse and his attractive characteristics, then Sustainable
Attraction is nourished.
Of course we all have a role to play in remaining attractive
to our spouse. We can’t just let the
weeds grow up all around our homestead.
We can’t allow the exterior or the interior to fall into disrepair. We make a commitment when we marry in so many
words that we will do our best to take care of our body and spirit. If we desire Sustainable Attraction in
marriage, then we do all we can to sustain beauty in the body and spirit by
consistently choosing the best physical and spiritual foods and dynamically
growing to become like our Cause.
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| Read: Luke 13:35 |
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| Read: D&C 88:119 |
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| Read: Luke 6:41-42 |
So even if a spouse may not be perfect in his/her side of
the marriage bargain, it is crucial to focus on what we can do ourselves to
eliminate processes and effects that DO NOT contribute to Sustainable
Attraction. So maybe we see a mote in
our spouse. Maybe even it’s a beam. But A #1 Priority is to work with our Cause
to get the motes and beams out of our own eyes.
Then we will be able to see clearly to assist our spouse with his own
issues. Then we will be motivated by
love.
I am so thankful to my Cause for instructing me about how we
often give up the Bon Fire of Attraction that could be ours in the end for the
sparks that seem good enough in the moment.
I deleted the thoughts.
I worked diligently to keep that commitment. And here’s what happened soon after. I was pondering on my religion. I said I belonged to the Church of Jesus Christ. I said I believed in Him. But the question that came to my mind was,
“Who is Jesus Christ? Do you know who
you say you worship?” And I didn’t
know. I had been a member of my church
for all of my life. I had heard of
him. I had read of him. We talked about him all the time in
church. I had to confess that when I
read about him and his atonement in the scriptures I glossed over it in my thoughts. I never gave it much attention. His name and the words
the scriptures used to describe Him and His atonement had become so rote. I had never taken the time to figure out what
they really meant and who He really was to me.
That was when I embarked on a journey that has lasted for more than 8
years. It has been the most exciting
adventure of my life and it doesn’t get dull.
The fire is Sustainable. I HAD NO
IDEA!
Another story about Opportunity Costs was when my kids were
really young. In fact I only had the two
oldest—Aaron and Chris. They must have
been around 3 and 5. I purchased a
Nintendo 64 that came with the Zelda game.
I bought the system to keep the boys out of trouble but for some reason
I didn’t feel good about it once I did it.
So I justified it by saying we were going to spend lots of time as a family
playing it. And we did. Many hours together. I got pretty good at Zelda but Aaron at 5 was
just as good. Haha. I used to play Adventure on Atari when I was
growing up and Zelda was the glorified version of Adventure. Definitely my favorite kind of video game. But each day after spending a few hours on
the game with the kids, I got a bad feeling inside me. I tried to ignore it.
Around that time I purchased another game. This one was for the computer. It was called Myst and was really cool! It challenged my mind and was like doing a
puzzle, solving mysteries and equations. My mind liked it. I stayed up late at night to play it after getting the
kids to bed. When I was
finished playing, I got that bad feeling inside me again. In hindsight I realize I was trying to
resolve my boredom. I didn't know what else there was to do. But it
wasn’t long before I put two and two together and realized that my Cause didn’t
want me playing these games. He was
signaling to me that this was a waste of my time (and His for that matter). There were other things I needed to be
working towards. I have learned through
the years how valuable my time is. There
are things to be working towards. Like
everything that is of great value, these things take time, effort, focus, concentration, and
consecration to obtain. We seriously do not have time to waste.
Those censuring feelings from my Cause didn’t force my choice. They were mercifully reminding me of
promises I had made that I would some day remember but had temporarily
forgotten. I had a choice: Listen to those warnings or ignore them. If I kept ignoring them, they would
eventually go away. But even back then,
when I was still so young, I knew the cost of losing my sensitivity to the
Spirit.
(So when I have gotten after my kids about playing
too many video games, I have both understood how enjoyable they can be but also how
much of an opportunity cost they are.)
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| A page from one of my notebooks dated 2006 |
Later on when I embarked on my journey to understand who
Jesus Christ was and who he was to me personally, I recognized that studying Him
and the truths of His Gospel targeted the same puzzle-mystery solving section
of my brain! It was so amazingly fun and
I didn’t feel the censure this time at all!
Quite the contrary. I felt
confirmation and encouragement. Every
day I understood Him and his truth in a new light. “I can show you the world, shining, shimmering splendid…I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder!”
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| Listen: “A Whole NewWorld” from the Disney soundtrack of Aladdin, sung by Brad Kane & LeaSalonga |
Opportunity Costs.
Good, better, or best. It’s a
choice. We just need to be aware of the
choice.
